Casa Doña review

I stayed at Casa Doña for two nights after my SRS stay at Greenbaum, and thought I would write up a little review of my (March '05) experience for those that make the trip to Scottsdale.

Donna Rose, who operates Casa Doña, has a three bedroom townhouse just behind Dr. Meltzer's office. It is located within a gated community, but Donna will provide keys to the gates. Donna has the master bedroom, but provides the other two rooms to visitors, especially those going thru surgery with Dr. Meltzer.

The southern room has two single beds and provides a nice affordable environment. The western most room has a queen sized bed and provides a slightly more private experience. The two rooms share a decent sized bathroom with plenty of lighting. (See her site for her rates.)

Donna provided fresh linens, towels, and complimentary breakfast. While I was there, Linda from Dr. Meltzer's office also helped install mini-refrigerators in each of the two bedrooms so that people can store food there. She also has a very large collection of music, movies, and video games to keep you entertained, along with a digital television service.

There are two or three restaurants in the complex near Dr. Meltzer's office, but nothing seemed very casual. There is a more casual strip mall complex about half a mile (almost a kilometer) to the east that has an Albertson's (grocery store) and a few other restaurants including BBQ, Chinese, Mexican, and sandwiches. On the walk back to Donna's you'll spot Camelback Mountain ahead of you and plenty of scenery along either side of the well traveled road.

Donna was also a gracious host. We had several intriguing conversations and were able to eat out with several local TS "celebrities". Donna was also nice enough to transport us to several local restaurants for lunch/dinner.

If you need a little extra time in Scottsdale, I would definitely recommend staying there. If you do stay there, you might want to try stocking up on food beforehand (especially now that they have the private refrigerators), just in case Donna isn't around.

One thing, though, is that Donna is not located that near to Old Towne Scottsdale, so if you want to do some shopping there, do it while you are at Greenbaum, or take a taxi. It's a pretty long walk to get there and back.

Exploring

I stuck my finger up into my vagina the other day. I’m not one to be easily grossed out, but it was rather nasty feeling all around. Yeah, it feels warm and soft (and a bit moist from all of the Surgilube), but...well...it’s kinda different when you can feel all of the different little things up inside your gut.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably end up doing it again because I like exploring and experiencing new things...and well, I should probably become accustomed to my new body.

The other day, I also felt a slightly painful twinge in my lower stomach...near the internal suture. When I looked at that area, I noticed that the dimple wasn’t as pronounced. I felt around there and could feel a tiny knot in the same place that the dimple was, so I’m guessing that the skin released, but the suture was still hopefully in place within the muscle wall....or something like that.

My clitoris also seems to be hurting a bit more. When I try to figure out where exactly the pain is coming from, it looks like it is the underside of the clitoris...where the incision and sutures are located. One of the sutures was just hanging there the other day, and when I touched it (not knowing what it was), it basically just came off in my hand. It wasn’t really holding anything together at that time.

The good news about feeling the pain in the clitoris is that at least I’m feeling something.

Dilating

So, I've been on the 2T and 2 since Sunday, using the 1 sometimes just to get things started. Hopefully I can just use the 2 sometime this week before jumping to the 3 next week.

I liked using the chair in Greenbaum and the couch at the hotel, but I had to use the bed at Donna's and my bed since getting home. I just don't have a comfy chair in my room, and won't risk the roomie catching me on the couch.

I first start some light jazz music, place two paper towels in the approximate spot were I might be dripping any extra Surgilube, and lay down on the changing pad. I set my butt down in the paper towel area, of course, and rearrange as necessary.

Then I lube up the necessary dilator, but not quite as much as Janet recommended. Then, I use the mirror to kinda line things up and insert the dilator. Getting it past the PC muscle is a bit painful, but the pain typically reduces fairly rapidly, except if I've just jumped up to the larger size. I'll rotate it a little and move it around in circles to kinda loosen the PC muscle up a bit.

I typically go at least 20 minutes, but sometimes shoot for longer. If I start getting sore, then I go ahead and wrap things up.

Cleaning up depends on which dilation I'm on. If I am showering after the dilation, then I basically just wipe the extra Surgilube off and jump in the shower. If it's the other ones, I typically wipe the extra Surgilube off with a feminine wipe. I place Bacitracin along the incision lines, the lower triangle, and my clitoris after I take a shower and after the last dilation of the day. The last dilation of the day also gets Bacitracin on the end of the dilator before I start. I typically change pads about 3 times a day.

For this first month, I'm dilating 4 times a day. That doesn't leave much time for anything else. Wake up...dilate...shower...dilate...eat lunch...nap...dilate...eat dinner...watch TV...dilate...go to bed. Ok, well, I have a little time between dilations, but you get the point. There really isn't enough time to do much else than dilate, eat, and sleep. I could probably escape for 2-3 hours at a time, but that time would have to fall between like 1-5pm or 6-10pm.

At least once the first month is over, it all gets easier...supposedly.

What to do?

Tuesday - March 08, 2005

What to do?

I got in late last night...almost too late. I only dilated twice before leaving, then sat in the airport too long before the flight. So, I only dilated 3 times yesterday, that's if you count #3 at around 1am. It was a little tight, but things went ok. I've mainly been on the 2T and the regular 2, except for #1 this morning (in order to get things started).

It's nice to be home, but it's also kinda lonely, even with the roomie around. I only unloaded the light weight stuff last night, and unpacked some of my suitcases into a smaller bag that I could carry, so that I had my dilators and something to sleep in.

I went grocery shopping today and since I figure I'll have time to mess around with some different dishes, I bought some stuff to try, as well as the basics. Getting around seems to be ok, although I still walk a little funny and slow.

I guess today has also been one of those days where I just stare at the list of things to do. I still need to fully unpack, do some laundry, and clean things up a bit. Over the weeks leading up to SRS, I also worked on a list of things to do during this "time off":

- Watch some shows and miniseries I taped a long time ago
- Try to dig up my medical records from the military archives
- Update the sperm bank with my current info
- Work on the new birth certificate
- Update and obtain a new passport
- Update my gender marker with Social Security
- See a dermatologist about the pigmentation patches on my face
- Work on some screenplay and writing ideas
- Investigate take music lessons
- Update my US 50 state quarters collection (Yes, I'm a nerd)
- Check into a new high school diploma with the new name
- Re-frame college diplomas
- Check stock pile of old comic books for the latest Batman movie tie-in
- Pick up my room
- Work on my presentation for California Dreaming

Let's see, perhaps a summary as well. I'm still bleeding from the clitoris, I change pads (Carefree Medium Protection Regular Size Pantiliners) a couple times a day, I think I've slightly torn down on the lower end (what Dr. Meltzer called the triangle), I'm still tired a little more so than usual, sitting is still slightly uncomfortable, I still sleep with a pillow between my knees to keep the pressure comfortable, the shooting pains continue as the nerves reconnect, peeing is still fairly messy but it mainly comes out in a stream aimed a little more forward that what I would prefer (which will hopefully subside with the swelling), and I'm still fairly inflexible around the middle area...somewhat.

I'm also a little sexually frustrated (but haven't seen any depression yet, although I'm watching for it). There were a lot of pretty girls in Arizona and well, there really isn't any way of releasing those urges and desires. Hopefully this is all residual stuff from my re-exposure to testosterone, which could take a little time to expunge from my system...possibly a few more weeks at the worst. If it continues, I may have too much testosterone being produced by the adrenal gland, which might mean I'd have to restart the spiro. Yuck.

I also ate very well during my recovery (especially with the very decent food at Greenbaum) and felt I probably gained weight, even though I spent a day emptying out everything, and a day doing nothing much but surgery. I ate fruits and vegetables, along with soups and salads for the first few days. I figured I should also eat a little more than usual to help the body heal. I jumped on the scale this morning and found I gained about 5 pounds. I can't really work it off right now, but I figure with time I'll get back down to a more svelte weight.

Day 17 - Home

Blair and I have just boarded the flight home. It's hard to believe that the trip - my own little journey - has finally come to an end.

We said good-bye to Donna this morning as she headed off to work. After walking to lunch, we made our way to Dr. Meltzer's office - Blair for an initial consult, and myself for a little post-surgical exam and one last time to look things over.

Since Blair still needed to fill out paperwork, I was taken back first. Exam room, black robe - the usual. Walking to lunch wore me out so I started taking a nap in the exam room. Linda peeked into the room and woke me up after a few minutes, then Dr. Meltzer came in with Janet.

My list of questions:

- My clitoris seems to be bleeding: He looked it over and said that I probably had some pooled blood or swelling that was finding it's way around some of the incisions around the clitoris. Basically, nothing to worry about and things would get better with time. He said things were healing quite well.

- A patch of skin on my stomach below my belly button was numb: He said that's where he lifted the skin and sensation would return in time. He also pointed out the internal suture that caused the dimple above the mons area. Supposedly there were originally two, but I've only ever noticed the one.

- The last 2 inches (50mm) of dilation seem the hardest: Keep dilating and things will get easier. Janet reiterated that I might lose some depth as the swelling goes down, which I noticed.

- What areas need to be cleared for labiaplasty?: He said they had a diagram, but basically the hair needs to be removed 1cm around the clitoris. Since Amber ended up with a little more hair around her clitoris, my hair zapper zapped a little wider swath around the top of the base of my penis. Since I asked for my clitoris to be a little lower than Amber's, or maybe because her's was a little high to begin with, I definitely have a little more cleared area than 1cm around the clitoris. He said he could cut some of that skin out if needed.

After answering my questions and concerns, we concluded the exam, surgery, and trip with a hug. He tried to give me a hug on his last trip to my room before I was discharged, but I was dilating, so the chair and sitting dynamics didn't work so well.

Afterward, I ended up talking prices with Carol. I have the price for labiaplasty alone, but I wanted to see how much labiaplasty and body contouring around the waist would be, and how much all of that and a breast augmentation would be. It looks like the labiaplasty is around $4,200 with body contouring adding $2,500 - $2,700. The breast augmentation adds almost another $6K so the works would be a quoted $12,745 while just the labiaplasty and body contour work out to about $7,000 at the worst. Based on prices, I'll probably be skipping the boobs yet again. That might be the best since I can have my nose revised again at the same time as doing my boobs. That will give my nose more time to heal since it is still stiff.

Janet and Linda also worked on filling out my state disability forms, which couldn't even be submitted until 9 days after I became disabled. All of this disability stuff sucks, but it's nice being paid while I'm unable to work...and actually, I've already paid for the state part of it with my taxes and stuff, so why not get a piece back of what I've given them.

Our flight out was set for 9:40pm since we weren't sure we could make the 4:50pm flight. There were no other non-stop flights back into home. Robin thought we could make it so we headed to Donna's to pick up the bags while Blair was still being examined.

After picking up Blair, we actually did make it with about 40 minutes before take off, but they wanted almost $100 to change each ticket. So, we just sat around the airport for a while, ate dinner, and did a little souvenir shopping.

Just after eating dinner, I dragged Blair over to a window in order to see the sun slowly descend over the valley mountains, signaling the end of my days in Arizona and the end of a long journey - a journey I thought would remain only a dream.

Day 16 - Casa Dona

Blair and I transferred from the hotel to Casa Doña yesterday. The hotel just worked better while Blair was visiting me in the hospital and gave us more time to explore Old Scottsdale.

Donna and her son, along with Rhiannon were here when we arrived, and Rhiannon was being picked up in a few hours. I was a bit tired, so I napped for a few hours.

Later that night, Donna drove all of us over to In N' Out to get a burger before we caught the Discovery Health Channel's program with San Francisco local, Mikayla, in it. The part where I was filmed in the SF-TEAM meeting was out...like I thought it would be. The show, though, barely seemed to cover much beyond what they did with her the first time. They just kinda updated where she is now.

Donna and I also chatted a while during my stay. We both mentioned that we're attracted to straight girls, and how annoying that paradox can be.

She also mentioned how nice it was to have a lesbian help her explore her new body. She definitely recommended such. I might have to take that advice sometime.

This morning, Donna was kind enough to cook up some French toast before we accompanied her and Linda from Dr. Meltzer's office to purchase small refrigerators for the rooms at Casa Dona. If I visit here in the future, I'll probably need to stock up on a little food before crashing for a few days.

Well, it's been one week today since I started dilating. I've been using the 2T and 2 about once a day for the past few days, but I hadn't been able to achieve "full depth." I'd mainly just get it past the PC muscle for a few minutes after already spending at least 15 minutes with the 1 fully in.

Today, though, I've used the #1 to get things going but switched to the 2 or 2T as soon as possible. I also get them in fairly deep. It looks like my depth has moved closer to about 5" to the vaginal opening. The labia used to add a full inch, but as the swelling goes down, so does the length that it adds. So, the PC muscle actually hasn't been that bad, it's just getting full depth that seems to get me. I've also had some brown colored bits that I assume are small pieces of slothed skin sometimes, but I have usually had a little blood that ends up on the paper towels that I lay down. My clitoris also seems to be bleeding a bit lately. I'm still not sure if I have feeling back in it or not, but I will only know with time.

Day 15 - Thank you, Dr. Meltzer!

The good news: I had an orgasm last night. The bad news: I was asleep for most of it. I can remember the dream...sorta. It was mainly just me and some anatomical person, but there was no distinct head or appendages, including sexual ones. It was just a locking of two bodies. I woke just as the orgasm was starting, but was groggy for a few moments as it proceeded, so it took a few seconds to realize what was going on. As soon as it finished, I got up and went to the bathroom to check the aftermath, but I didn't really notice anything. Of course, I'm not sure what I was expecting since the boys are gone and there isn't really anything that can come out. I guess I was worried about bleeding or something, I don't know. Perhaps it was just natural instinct to clean up the mess in the bathroom afterwards.

Anyway, I think this was a good sign, even if I wasn't awake to enjoy it much.

When I went back to bed, I wanted to kinda celebrate so I whispered, "Blair, are you awake?"

"Yeah."

"I just had an orgasm." She said something to congratulate me, but I don't remember it since I went back to sleep.

Day 14 - Buster Cottonwood

Blair and I were up early to catch the free breakfast in the hotel, then came back to the room for me to dilate. I showered, then dilated again in order to make lunch with Connie before she flew out. We finally ate at the Salty Senorita across the street from Greenbaum.

We said our good-byes and I became slightly emotional as Blair and I headed to Old Towne Scottsdale to shop around. Ahhh...the hormones are back.

Along our walk, I told Blair that it still felt like I had a huge boner that was causing me to waddle. Huge, as in like 2 feet long or something. OK, so it doesn't feel exactly like a huge boner, but it feels like it is anchored right into my mons/clitoris area. It's all swollen below the surface there - which is where all the pressure is, which makes it feel like something is engorged - like a big boner.

During my shopping, though, I found a nice pair of Kokopelli earrings with a matching necklace, as well as a Refreshing Desert Rain candle to bring back a scent to remember this area by.

As we walked back to the hotel, we went by the Scottsdale Mall as well as the stadium that the San Francisco Giants use for spring training. (You'd think I could get away from these knuckleheads.) A few players were showing up when we walked by, but I had no idea who they were.

I found a message on the hotel room phone when we got back. It was Donna Rose, and she asked if were were interested in dinner with some friends and her son.

I couldn't decline that, so after dilating, reading a few emails, and catching a quick nap, Donna picked us up to take us to dinner. Her passengers included her son and a person I had seen at Greenbaum during her recovery, but whom I had not met yet. Her name was Rhiannon....more on her in a bit.

At the restaurant, we met Dr. Becky Allison and Margaux, as well as their local electrologist, Marcie. So many big names.

I sat on the end near Donna and her son. Donna's a pretty decent conversationalist. It was also kinda fun talking with her son, who comes across as this heavy metal type band member, but he's actually very laid back. I asked him if he used his real name when he was playing in the band Cuss Pig because his real name is not a heavy metal type name. I told him he should come up with a performing name similar to the "porn" name we'd arrived at for Blair. (Using a pet's name for the first name and a street lived on for the last name, Blair's "porn" name is Harley Hobson...which is pretty damn good.) Donna's son mentioned their current pet is Molly.

"That won't work."

Then he mentioned "Buster." So cool. And a street? Well, he says something like North 74th Avenue. Not gonna work. Then he says Cottonwood. Oh yeah...Buster Cottonwood.

When we later talked about Donna's book, she said she had a second version coming out but still couldn't use her son's real name. I told her she should use Buster. We laughed. What's funny is I was almost calling him Buster the rest of the evening.

I also talked to Rhiannon who made big news with her fight with the IRS over her ability to claim SRS as a medical deduction. She just had a little more work with Dr. Meltzer a few days after my SRS and had been recovering at Donna's.

It was nice to get out, but sitting in that chair for a few hours started making my butt and new vagina pretty sore, so we said our good-byes and soon we were being dropped back off at the hotel.

I told Blair I finally came up with a name for that last dilator. Yes, like Amber, I decided to name my dilators just for the fun of it, and it also helps create little code words.

I named #1 Bob. It just seemed like a Bob. Since I'm bi, I also threw in a couple of female names. I thought the tapered #2 would sound like a Rosie, as in O'Donnell - she just seems like a tapered dilator. Since #2 is the biggest leap in size, I named it Arnold...he's the biggest leap lately. I couldn't figure out #3, but I wanted #4 to sound like a female German shot putter, so I named it Helga.

So, #3? Can you see it coming? Yup, I named it Buster. The name just sounded really good for the #3.

Day 13 - Released

I came in to Greenbaum on the two's (2/22) and I now depart here on the three's (3/3). Blair was over for breakfast after I dilated, and then I started cleaning things up...and getting the flowers that everyone sent all arranged and either placed out at the nurse's station or with Connie who has another day here. I also started packing things into the respective bags. We were originally going to just walk to the hotel, but the hospital policy specifies that I need to be discharged to someone with a car or something. They called Dr. Meltzer's office and just asked Robin to pick me up at the same time as the woman who just had her labiaplasty the day before.

So, shower, dilate, lunch, and then we were gone as fast as I had arrived.

It was nice to finally get reconnected to the web at the hotel. I was deprived for so long.

So, I've moved into trying the 2 or tapered 2 during the midday dilations. I can get it past the PC muscle pretty decent, but there is still quite a bit of pain with it. I also can't get it in too far without a lot of pressure, and since I am ahead of schedule, I figure just getting it past the PC muscle is a bonus. So, I'll typically do at least my 15-20 minutes with #1, and then do a few bonus minutes with 2 or 2T.

Blair's little spot in my journal will be her words of wisdom for today: "I'm never eating a banana in public ever again." I guess a few guys were really intent on watching her eat breakfast this morning.

Tonite, Blair and I were meeting Connie for dinner. On the way to Greenbaum, we stopped off to pick up the pain killers I'd been prescribed...just in case. I'd previously used Walgreen pharmacies near me...before I changed my name, or perhaps it was because Dr. O had prescribed initial stuff in my old name since I didn't get a new ID until after FFS. Either way, I thought I'd had them update my information this past November with the hairline advancement. Guess not.

I gave the pharmacy guy my license to pick up the stuff that Janet had called in. He finds the item in their shelf system and brings it to the counter. He points to the label and says, "I have you down as [old boy name which can also be a girl's name]."

"Oh, that's my old name."

He looks on the computer, walks back to the counter and then whispers, "We also have you down as male. Would you like me to update your information in our system?"

"Sure."

As he's typing on the computer, he's asking me questions about my current information to make sure it is correct. I pay and he then asks how things are going for me, implying the surgery since they are right next door to the surgical center. I tell him that things are going very well. I ask him if he gets quite a few of us there.

"Oh yeah," then mentions that he's quite worldly and, "Girl, you've got nothing to worry about here."

After that, Connie, Blair, and I ate sushi down at Ra. It was pretty decent, although Amber and my mom seemed to have sub-par food when they ate there last week.

When we went back to Greenbaum to grab Connie before dinner, though, Dr. Meltzer, who was in the front area by the nurses, says, "I saw the rubber duck you got Connie," and grinned. Connie told Dr. Meltzer, Janet, and LaCrista how great it was to have it, and that they should include it with the dilators. How funny.

Day 12 - A New Day

I was up a little earlier this morning (I'm not sure how since I always seem to stay up too late) and decided to catch the sun coming up. I grabbed the camera and stepped out on the deck and caught the sun just glimpsing over the distant mountains. The air was crisp, but not cold, and people were shuffling to and from work around the medical campus. I'll miss this place. I will have to say that being away from work for a while is definitely nice, especially with the wonderful weather here in Scottsdale. It's been 'basic shirt' weather with a jacket needed once the sun goes down...very nice, especially for February/March.

I've kinda been waiting around this morning to have the catheter removed. Nici (who unfortunately had to be re-cathetered) just called not long ago and we chatted about dilation and de-catheterization. We laughed about a lot of stuff. When I mentioned the catheter coming out she said, "Ahhh...it's THE day." The nurses this morning said the same thing. Christa, who was cleaning and changing my sheets, etc., and Julie, when I told them the catheter was coming out, both responded with, "It's the big day."

"I thought the big day was last Tuesday?"

"Nah, this is the big day."

I guess it is sorta...now that things have healed a little and all the little tubes in me will be out and I can finally look down and just be me.

I was reading Amber's blog for her de-catheterized day and she mentioned that the nurses needed proof that she had peed. I walked out to the front desk and asked Julie if she needed proof that I had peed or not, and she said she would take my word. "Why would you lie?"

"Well, some people might not like to be re-cathetered."

Julie then said that after 4 hours, they'd be in enough pain to have it re-inserted.

LaCrista, from Dr. Meltzer's office, stopped by while Connie and I were chatting. She had letters for both of us that concerned our irreversible sex change surgery. I also asked her if she knew where Janet was since I was waiting on her for the catheter stuff. I sounds like she is in the office for a few procedures.

Oh yeah!

11:08pm - I hadn't heard anything out of Janet this morning and with LaCrista mentioning a probable early afternoon visit, I figured I could get my lunch in with Amber and Blair (who'd just arrived via plane) before Amber flew out.

I briefly chatted with Jen who was having labiaplasty after having had vaginoplasty over 20 years ago. Then I was off to dilate before catching a fast shower. After applying my morning layer of Bacitracin, I was off to my local favorite, Port of Subs, to pick up sandwiches for us. As I was approaching the hotel with food in hand, Janet calls to tell me I should come back to get the catheter out. Grrrrrrr..... So, I drudgingly turned around and walked back to Greenbaum. I waited for a while for Janet to make it to my room. Amber and Blair made it to the room before Janet, so they ran off to the deck to eat lunch.

Janet came in about that time and started telling me what she was going to be doing. I laid down on the bed on top of the pad I'd already placed there. She drew about 7cc of liquid from the catheter balloon, then drew a little more residual liquid out of the second line. She then said there would probably be some pain as she slowly drew the catheter out of me. It did hurt for the first part, but then it seemed to slide right out of me. She said I needed to pee as soon as I could, so I walked to the bathroom to sit down on the toilet. I'd drank a little water when I got back to Greenbaum in the hopes of filling my bladder. As soon as I sat down and relaxed, I basically started peeing. Janet walks into the bathroom just as I am relaxing and starts filling up some bottle with water. She moves over to me as I'm peeing and says, "This is a spritz bottle and will help initiate urination." as she sits there spraying me with warm water on my mons area.

I look down and say, "I'm already peeing" and kinda chuckle.

"Good girl," she says in a very surprised voice.

I spray a little warm water and then pat dry. I put my clothes back on and listen to a little more instructions that I've probably since forgotten. Well, darnit, I was ready to eat lunch.

Janet also offered pain meds even though I wasn't really having any pain. I'd heard stories, though, about T's that got home and then started feeling pain, so I took her up on the offer. I figure if I don't have any pain, I'll just use them for electrolysis.

(What's really surprising about the whole peeing thing is that in the past I had a very shy bladder. It was almost impossible for me to use a standing urinal if there was anyone standing to either side of me...especially if there were no barriers. I just couldn't pee with anyone standing around. In places like sports stadiums, it was even harder. If there were people standing in line to use the urinals, I just couldn't seem to pee. I'd have to go to one of the stalls in order to urinate. I don't know why, but the GID could have been a factor with all of it. That's why I was so surprised when I was able to go pee with Janet basically standing there squirting me. Did I finally feel in the right body that I no longer had any anxieties preventing me from peeing with people around...or was I in a hurry to eat lunch?)

"You're wearing jeans?" Amber says as I open the door to the patio to eat lunch.

"Yeah, I tried them on this morning and they fit pretty good." It's nice to get back into my jeans. I guess I just feel more comfortable in them.

I ate a quick lunch with them, then walked back to the hotel before saying our good-byes to Amber. I'll probably see her next week, but it's still hard saying good-bye.

Afterward, Blair and I found Zorba's just south of the hotel and bought Connie a rubber ducky personal massager just like I have. I gave it to her on our return to Greenbaum.

Doriz, a genetic woman who had FFS with Dr. O and whom I'd met at Cocoon this past summer, lives nearby and stopped by to chat for a while. She also brought some fantastic oranges from her backyard. We chatted a little about Dr. O and FFS, as well as my recent surgery here in Scottsdale.

As soon as she departed, though, I crashed for a nap. Tired. All of that walking really wears me out. I got up a bit later, dilated, then we all gathered to head next door to Oregano's for dinner. We (me, Karista, Connie, and Blair) took some pictures with the nurses before leaving.

We waited a while to be seated, but finally were, before ordering two pizzas. As time went on, though, I realized that I hadn't said good-bye to Julie who has taken care of me at least 5 days during my stay at Greenbaum. She has been absolutely fantastic to me and actually has some of that same vibe that Cocoon's Trisha and Mary-Lou have. Although most of the nurses here are pretty decent, there are a few that really stand out. Julie has for me.

I wanted to say good-bye to Julie since she wouldn't be here tomorrow, so since we were waiting on the pizza, I just 'ran' back across the street. I took the elevator up and found Julie busy at work, right before shift change. I told her I wanted to say good-bye and thank her for really taking care of me.

"You're going to make me cry," I told her as tears welled up in my eyes. I'm really going to miss her. We hugged. She walked me to the elevator and said to call them before I come back for labiaplasty. We hugged again and the tears grew bigger. I walked back to dinner...half crying, half drying my eyes before I got back.

After walking back from dinner, I sat with Jen as she was recovering from her labiaplasty. She transitioned so young back in the early 80's - her story is amazing. Even though she was definitely feeling a little woozy from the surgery and drugs, we still had some nice little conversations. It's nice hearing from people who had their SRS over 20 years ago and still have their wits.

Day 11 - I Rub My Ducky

Amber slept most of the night and seemed groggy anytime she was awake. The surgery definitely took a lot out of her. Lisa also had labiaplasty yesterday and spent the night in the room next to me. The sound of her hurling around 8pm last night reminded me that she was there.

Today, though, Robin picked up both Amber and Lisa just after lunch, and Connie (who had her vaginoplasty the day after me) and I rode with them in order to get Amber tucked into the hotel room. We also had an ulterior motive. This gave me a chance to pick up the vibrating ducky in the hotel room as well as put us slightly closer to the sex toy store, which we heard about via word of mouth, just south of Greenbaum. After we had Amber in the room and feeling pretty decent (as decent as she could feel), Connie and I headed out. We made it to North Scottsdale Road, but couldn't see Zorba's south of us, so we headed back to the other sex toy store we found via Yahoo. We couldn't find it, unfortunately. So much walking really wore me out and we rested for a bit in Old Towne Scottsdale. We walked back the rest of the way and then took a well deserved nap. I told Connie on our way back, though, that I'd noticed that doing a lot of walking usually leaves me tight when I do the next dilation.

Sure enough, my 4:45pm dilation was pretty tight. Not fun, but the good side was I now had the little ducky massager. I rubbed it over most of the area (including the bruised areas of my legs) but not too near my clitoris since it is still doing a bit of healing and adhering to the new skin around it. I mainly ran the duck over swollen or slightly bruised areas still on the upper part of my legs. It's definitely nice having it.

Connie and I also went out to dinner for some pizza, along with a visiting Karen. I think one of our conversations turned to hot flashes. Connie mentioned that she had some and I said I had been having them as well. During the day, they've been very subtle such that I didn't notice them too bad, but at night I'll notice them a little more - especially when I'm cold or I've been sweating under the bed sheets. I think it's all a combo of losing the testosterone and regaining the estrogen. Now that I'm off the spiro, though, I'll probably have to re-watch my blood pressure and salt intake.

Day 10 - Amber's Turn

Amber's just been brought into her recovery room - the room she'll spend the next day on bed rest. She was supposed to go into surgery about mid-afternoon, but I don't think she made it into surgery until around 5pm. Mom and I sat with her in the staging area from around 2:30 until about 4 when I went upstairs to dilate. Mom stayed with Amber.

Just as I was about to dilate and I was sitting in the chair with my pants at my knees, there is a knock at my door and a 'Hello, it's me' from a male voice. I yell, "I'm dilating" before I recognize that it's Dr. Meltzer. He says, "It's ok, I don't think you can embarrass me with anything."

Frankly, I'm ok with about anyone seeing the surgical site and being there for dilation, but I do try to keep it fairly private so that I won't conditionally make vaginal intercourse a chore instead of something pleasurable. (I've found soft jazz music to be the best atmostphere in which to dilate thus far.) I've also had Amber take numerous pictures of my vagina during different points of recovery, so I guess some of it has more of a documentary type aspect.

So, Dr. Meltzer takes a brief look at things and I tell him that I have pain getting around the PC muscle and when the dilator hits the very top. He says I'm the second patient to tell him about the top pain today.

I'm trying to shoo him back downstairs since I know Amber is waiting, but then we talked a little about depth. I mention that I have about 5 1/4" to the vaginal opening and at least another 1/2" of labial tissue. He says that tissue will help create the total vaginal cavity after labiaplasty and that I should have adequate depth. I tell him I'm not even sure I'll need it since I don't know if I like guys or not. Anyway, I finally shoo him off and start dilating before there is another knock at the door and my scream that "I'm dilating." This time it's Janet from Dr. Meltzer's office so she just walks right in since she was the one who dilated me yesterday. We had a small conversation while I kept pressure on the end of the dilator and made circles with the end. She suggested buying a vibrator of sorts and I told her that Amber gave me a rubber ducky that vibrates. (I heard she was going to get me the red devil ducky - since I'm so mean - but they were out.)

In the past day, though, I've realized I can't feel my clitoris, but if I touch and press down on the area around it, I definitely get some good sensations from nerves that used to be connected to the glans. I've also noted decent shaft sensation on the area right above the clitoris. I've been told, though, that feeling should return to the clitoris after the swelling goes down and things are a little more healed.

Day 9 - Dilation

Janet from Dr. Meltzer's office just called and said she'd be by in about an hour. She said she was 'stopping by to dilate me.' I knew it was coming and that this Sunday dilation was not the normal day for this. (She was flying out Monday night to Vegas for her day off on Tuesday and knew it would be difficult to do three dilations in one day.)

I was having a bowel movement after breakfast this morning and felt the urge to pee even though I'd just unhooked from the foley bag. So, I relaxed my muscles that keep me from peeing knowing that the catheter plug will prevent anything from coming out. As I did, I felt urine coming out of the sutured area. I quickly activated my muscles again to keep urine from going all over.

I told the nurse out front what had happened and she said that sometimes happens. She actually made it sound like good news since things weren't swollen enough to prevent urine from escaping.

Noon - Lunch has just arrived, just as I had wrapped up my frist dilation session. Janet arrived about 11am and we were able to finish inside an hour. First, she cut the sutures that held the labia together after having applied a warm washcloth to 'loosen them up.' It felt a little uncomfortable and there were a few shoots of pain. Having the packing then pulled out was very unique. She said to keep the PC (Pubococcygeus) muscle relaxed so she could get it out, but there is no way in hell someone can do that. I told her it was hard to do that, but she said I had to. I didn't, but she didn't seem to have any problems getting all of it out. It felt like a cross between taking a dump and someone putting a lot of pressure on the perineum, but with a hint/dash of pain.

Next up, she dug all the dilation stuff out: the dilators (1, 2T, 2, 3, and 4) that were nestled in their tericloth pocket pouch, the Surgilube, the mirror, and later, the douche kit. She dug out #1, but talked about the tapered #2 as well.

She first went over the new anatomy - CUV - Clitoris, Urethra, and Vagina. It looks damn ugly. I should send a picture back to the kids at UC Berkeley. The labia is swollen and really misshaped. The clitoris, which I can't feel, is smaller than Amber's but Janet says mine is a very decent size. The urethra still has the catheter line coming out of it, but there is this charcoal material all around the entrance. The vagina is also pretty ugly looking.

It's amazing looking at it in relation to where things used to be...especially how the penis shaft is tucked down into the vagina. (JoanB calls it genital origami.) My cleared zone of hair above the penis shaft may be too much, but we'll see how things settle after the swelling goes down.

The mons (pooch) area is still very swollen and she showed me the sutures that are attached just above the mons area that are holding things in place. Amber had two divots, but it looks like I only have one...possibly indicating that I already busted one.

As I was waiting for Janet this morning, I looked at Amber's journal from this last year and the method used to relax for dilation and entry of the dilators. I'd already dug out some jazz on the laptop, and thinking back to the Vagina Monologues, I almost wanted to play 'Let's Get It On' by Marvin Gaye when we started dilation...but I obviously didn't prepare well enough nor does this stupid internet connection in the room allow me to access iTunes on my computer. Oh well.

She checked inside my vagina with her fingers first then loaded up #1 with a bunch of Surgilube. In it went and I felt the dilator move past the PC muscle. It was definitely uncomfortable and a bit painful. We didn't keep it in very long, but she pulled it out and wiped it off. She placed some Bacitracin on the tip and had me smooth it all around. I then placed Surgilube on the bent area of the dilator and smoothed it all around. Then she had me locate the entrance of my vagina with the mirror and insert the dilator. Getting it past the PC muscle is definitely not fun. It hurt pretty good to hold it in the full '15 minutes' which actually ended up being 20 minutes since we were talking. Pulling it out is also kinda uncomfortable, until it's past the PC muscle. What's amazing, though, is that at some point, this is supposed to feel good...really good. Hmmm...that's not going to happen for a while.

We cleaned up and that was about it. She'd already gone over some of the directions but went over them again as well as the douching instructions.

10pm - Dr. Meltzer stopped by this afternoon and took a look at things. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I think he just makes sure to make an appearance in case things aren't going ok. Things are OK, pretty much, so sometimes he'll just ask if he needs to look at things or not. He looked today since the labial sutures have been removed and all of it is exposed. He said things looked pretty decent and were healing well. I also asked him about the peeing around the catheter thing, and he said about the same as Janet and the nurse. He also said that of his patients that have had that, all of them have been able to pee when they took the catheter out. Hopefully that is a good sign for this Wednesday. I'd hate to be the first that doesn't.

I also asked him about the lump I had near my right testicle. I think he said it was a verrucose lump and that I had veins running all through the area - probably from weight lifting. I told him I didn't do that much when I was younger, but I have been running and exercising for quite a while.

I'd noted my vaginal depth around 5 1/4 - 5 1/2" from the first dilation (Janet said this might decrease as the swelling went down) and asked him how deep he thought I was. He said it was hard to tell with his equipment, but after I told him the noted measurements, he said it sounded right.

The bruising on my left side is definitely more prominent, so I asked him about it. He said he had to cut a little higher in that area to release the spermatic cord.

So, I have dilated on my own twice, now. The first time with Janet hurt at least 10 minutes when first starting. The session this afternoon hurt for about the first 5 minutes, and even less on the dilation I just wrapped up. Most of the pain comes from the PC muscle and somewhere deep when I continue to push on the dilator. I dilated around 11am with Janet, and spaced out today's dilations to 4pm and 9pm. I'll dilate again at 2am (I have my phone set and a wakeup call with my nurse) and sometime in the morning...hopefully around 7am if I can get up by then. The first day they require 5 dilations, but then it reduces to 4 per day for the first month. It then reduces to twice a day for the following two months, then once a day for another three months. After that, it's just once a week for the rest of my life.

I also switched over to my own cotton panties - ones that I bought for this trip. I bought slightly larger ones - and stuff cheaper than my normal ones since I'll proably just toss these. My booty seems to prefer the cotton ones a lot better than the mesh underwear. I probably should have switched to these a few days ago.

Day 8 - Escape Attempt

So, let's do a little review of the food intake.

1st day - fruit/yogurt for breakfast, soup/salad for lunch and dinner

2nd day - fruit/yogurt for breakfast, mac n' cheese and salad for lunch, pasta and salad for dinner

3rd day - fruit/yogurt for breakfast, mac n' cheese and salad for lunch, chicken parmesan and salad for dinner

I've had fruit or a salad at all my meals. Today, though, I escaped for lunch. Or, actually, Mom escaped for me since Dr. Meltzer still hadn't arrived by noon. She ran next door to the Port of Subs and picked me up a turkey and bacon sandwich. Yum.

I also wanted to escape to the hotel to check my email since I can't access it here via their 'Get Well TV' internet service. They also have no ethernet connections that seem to work. Unfortunately, since Dr. Meltzer didn't arrive until after 1pm and Lisa from LA stopped by, that put my shower fairly late.

After I was cleaned up, I finally 'escaped' to the hotel for a little internet connection and a small nap. Amber was out trying to find me some sweat bottoms and since it was getting fairly late, she just brought some food back. I was up for a cheap burger, so she just got me a double cheeseburger and shake from Burger King.

I was back to Greenbaum before 7:30pm (the time the nurses change over). Julie has taken extra good care of me the past three day shifts. She's always awakened me with a cheerful greeting - reminiscent of Cocoon.

OK, well, I've lost track of the number of bowel movements today. I've had lots. They've kinda continued off last night's prune juice. Late tonite, I think I've finally caught up so that I have about a day's worth of food in me. TMI?

The blisters/sores are still there - still annoying - trying to heal, but it seems like a very slow progress. Laughing and coughing have also been very unique sensations. When I first laughed or coughed it felt very uncomfortable. I'd tighten my stomach muscles and brace for the pain. I've had a few coughing spells - mainly at night - that have kinda gotten me used to the feeling, plus having had time to heal, such that it doesn't feel that bad any more to cough or laugh....well, it doesn't hurt too bad. I haven't had to sneeze since surgery, though, but that could be a different experience.

I dug my small 'compact' mirror out of my purse just to kinda look at things since I can't see beyond the top of the incisions/sutures, but had seen my surgical site via pictures that Amber took for me. So, I made myself comfy on the bed and took a look downstairs.

Amber had trouble with a very sensitive and exposed clitoris and I hadn't even seen/felt mine. I can't tell if I can see it in the suture line or not, but it might be there. I also noticed a little bruising toward the bottom of the sutured labia, the only main bruising I've really noticed. I can feel sensation over most of the region except for a few areas down low along the suture line.

Otherwise, it basically looks like someone sewed my perineum together to form a labial monstrosity. It's very Frankenstein looking, especially with the huge sutures, swelling, discoloration, and general yuckiness.

Tonite, I have noticed a bit more bruising above my left leg...so I do actually have some bruising. It's more of a darker yellow color with a little purple mixed in. I've been gently massaging it - trying to keep it to a minimum.

Day 7 - I smiled

I smiled this morning. I saw myself in the mirror and smiled. Up until that moment, I was really indifferent to the surgery.

So, this morning, Julie came in to take the drains out. She said it wouldn't hurt...that bad...and that she was really good at it. She placed the necessary items on my bed as I pulled the mesh underwear down. She undid the tape and then cut the sutures holding them in place. With one swooping motion, she pulled them out of my groin one at a time. They hurt a bit, but the pain quickly subsided. She had me hold gauze on the site for a few minutes, but then things were nice. No more drains. Julie also brought in my meds which included starting my hormones again. It's been 3 1/2 weeks since I stopped....it's definitely nice to have them again.

As Christa and Julie made my bed, they said it was really nice out. So, I went out to the patio area for a few minutes before I noticed my mom and Amber walk by. We did a couple of laps and now I'm back in my room. I've had a few rumblings this morning...strong enough that I sat on the toilet for about 15 minutes each. Unfortunately, I still haven't had to go. It's sorta depressing. I'd really like to get that first one out of the way.

I've also stopped pain killers. I thought I might have to take one after the drains were pulled, but I'm pain killer free since last night at 5pm. The pain killers definitely help with sleeping, but it's also nice not having to take them. In the end, I think I ended up taking a total of 4 the day after surgery, and 2 yesterday. Not too bad for this wuss.

11:30pm - I've finally gone...a few times. The first two weren't much and I basically sat there for quite a while until stuff came out. After dinner, I did a few more laps and had a little prune juice. Since then, I've gone three times. All three and the two "rumblings" were soft - very soft. It's definitely different getting used to the way things are. I no longer have to tuck when sitting down on the toilet. That will probably take a while to get used to. It will be nice when I can also pee again. I still have to either plug into the foley bag or drain into the the toilet. And I can't just sit there to empty it. Nope. The hose is kinda taped to my stomach and it doesn't have much range.

Speaking of hoses, I was thinking back to the last things I did with Junior. As they were rushing me thru check-in, I thought for sure that they would request a urine sample. They didn't, so before I loaded up onto the gurney, I asked to use the restroom. So, to give it a fair and honorable sendoff, I stood in front of the toilet and urinated. That, I thought, would be the last time. Guess I still have a few more days left of standing up...until the catheter comes out.

OK, that makes 4 times tonite. Perhaps I shouldn't have had the prune juice.

Speaking of crap, the insurance company for the car of the person who rear ended me called to tell me that the policy on the car had been cancelled and was not valid. Great.

Day 6 - Booty Blisters

I've got blisters on my booty. Yeah, it's hard to believe that I got bed sores after only 2 days, but I got a few. Even Julie, the nurse, couldn't believe that I had them. The good news is that I am now allowed to get up and walk around

I only noticed the bed sores after standing up from the chair I had been resting in. OK, yes, I was feeling my butt since the stretchy mesh underwear kinda sticks to you after a while.

Julie trained me on how to cap off the catheter. It's not too hard except it can just be a little messy. Basically, I squeeze the tube that leads out of the surgical site and then unplug the hose that leads to the foley bag. I then place caps into the hose taped to my stomach, and place a cap over the tube to the foley bag. I've noticed weird pains in my stomach, though, due to different pressures from the tube...especially when reconnecting to the foley bag or at the end of peeing/draining into the toilet. Releasing the tube slowly helps to not create too much of a pressure differential, but the rest of the pains I can't prevent.

10:00pm - After lunch, I finally took a shower. It definitely wasn't easy. After the drains are gone, things will hopefully change with the ease of taking a shower and getting around.

After the shower, I capped off and took a lap around the ward. I said hi to the two other Dr. Meltzer patients. Karista, the woman who was supposed to be before me was lying in bed. She's also from the Bay Area, but I don't think I've ever met her. Connie, who's closer to my age, and maybe younger than me, is from Minnesota and here with her partner. Connie had surgery yesterday and should be up tomorrow. I crashed for a 2 hour nap after the jaunt.

Mom, Amber, and I just watched a little TV tonite with Survivor and CSI on.
I'm still having slightly weird phantom pains/feelings as though my penis is hanging there. I know it's not, but it is totally weird.

So, how do I feel now that it is gone? Eh, I don't really have any feelings. OK, well, it still hurts a bit. It's swollen. It's hard to sit down. It's a pain to 'pee'. Oh yeah, it's everything I wanted so far.

Amber took pictures for me this morning and it looks a lot like hers did at this time...except, well, she had a better tan. Mine is still majorly swollen...more than I expected.

I've talked to numerous friends. Court and I talked for a while. She said hers is still swollen some 4 months later. She had the 1 stage with the dude in Canada, though.

Day 5 - The Day After....Surgery

When Linda from Dr. Meltzer’s office called yesterday morning around 8:30am, I really wasn’t expecting them to ask me to get to the hospital as soon as possible. The person who was supposed to go before me needed a special type of anesthesia that they could only get set up in the main hospital yesterday afternoon. That meant that they wanted me as soon as I could get there.

I was really hoping I had a little time between waking up at 8am and heading to the hospital. I guess I just wanted to ponder things one last time and also take things at a nice leisurely pace.

So, I rushed thru a shower just to wash the hair and clean the surgical area. I patted myself dry, placed a little conditioner and gel in my hair, brushed the teeth…then we were off.

They rushed me thru check-in, had me in my gown, took vitals, and had me on the gurney in no time.

I could hear them at the desk saying they had to run double-time on Bay 12 – where I was. The lady doing the IV missed on the first attempt, but got it on the second try as Dr. Campbell, the anesthesiologist went thru some items to keep me distracted.

Previously, one of the other nurses asked me if I was having vaginoplasty and a breast augmentation. I told her it was just supposed to be a vaginoplasty. She ran back to the station and checked the order which said just the vaginoplasty. When she came back, I said I wouldn’t mind waking up with a free pair of boobs. I told them that the other person had a similar name and things might have been confused.

I also got a shot to thin my blood, I think, and they also gave me something thru the IV. Then they gave me a pill that they said would relax me. Mom and Amber came back once I was ready. I was afraid that I would be very emotional when they let them back to see me off, but we weren’t together that long before they wheeled me off that I didn’t even have time to cry. I think I made it past the swinging doors and down the hall before I was asleep...all before the time I was supposed to have even checked in at 10am.

As I was coming out of unconsciousness last night, I remember having this urge to pee. I was also very tired. Claire called, but I can barely remember talking to her. Amber helped me place my earrings back in my ears...which turned out to be quite a chore since my holes had already started closing....and of course, I was basically wasted.

I also seemed to have phantom sensation – as though my penis was still attached. I didn’t really have any pain all night long, though, except if I moved a lot. From the time I was wheeled in to the hospital room, I found it hard to stay awake until last night. I was able to converse more around late evening. My sleep came in spurts of about 1 hour since the nurses came in about that often. My throat didn’t feel sore, but it was definitely dry. My voice seemed lower than usual and I couldn’t muster anything close to my normal voice. I’ve also had weird pains whenever they empty out of the foley bag.

My breakfast today was yogurt, a banana, and juice. Lunch was soup, salad, fruit, and ice cream. Mmmmmm….ice cream.

2:20pm - Janet just stopped by. She was checking up on things and making sure I was breathing into the spirometer, drinking plenty of water, and ensuring I was keeping enough ice on the site.

Allison, the only other Dr. Meltzer patient on the floor, stopped by to say hi. She said it’s been very quiet and lonely for her. Karista, the other patient the day of my surgery, is supposed to be transferred to Greenbaum this afternoon.

It’s been nice having Amber and my mom here. I’ve also had phone calls from Claire, Rachel, JoanB, Courtney (who called by chance), and Stephanie Anne. Flowers have come in from Mom and Amber, Dad and the rest of the family, Lauren, Lisa, and some other old friends.

7:40pm - The nurse’s assistant just stopped by. Her name is Kara, and she was born the same year as me. She’s the first Kara I’ve ever met in person.

Dr. Meltzer stopped by about 7pm. He asked how I was doing and looked at the surgical site. He said things looked fine.

So, what does the surgical site look like? Well, I have a large ice bag over the site. There is a net-like pair of underwear holding everything else that is dangling out of my body. There are two drain bags with lines running down to the vaginal area…similar to what I had leading out of mouth for last year’s FFS with Dr. O. The line to the catheter is also running thru there. I have a pad that is down on the underside. It’s all fairly swollen. Also, I can’t even see where it is sutured together, but I can feel around a bit. I can see just the top of the site and all of the tubes running out. Right at the top where the new labia is sewn together I can see the area that used to be the base area just above the shaft of my penis…which I know because that’s where the line of electrolysis is located.

Oh, yeah, dinner was soup, salad, fruit, and ice cream. Mom got me a little more ice cream for a snack.

Day 4 - Phone Call

Linda from Dr. Meltzer's office just called. The person that was scheduled this morning requested something different with her anesthesia...so, they want me now. NOW. I'm up as soon as I get over there.

Day 3 - The Day Before

Amber and I were off for my pre-surgical consult this morning. We arrived shortly before my 9:30am appointment and appeared to be the first ones there. We were taken to an exam room and Janet had me initial and sign a bunch of forms. After I disrobed, I put one of their black robes on.

When Dr. Meltzer came in, I had a list of questions for him. I asked for a general description of surgery...just for clarification. He mentioned that he basically inverts everything...but went into a few of the items. I believe, and this is not necessarily in order, he makes a cut along the midline of the perineum, cuts a skin graft out of the scrotal skin, separates the head from the penile shaft while maintaining the nerve connections, creates a cavity thru the middle muscle area, sews the graft onto the end of the penile skin, pulls the penile skin down and inverts it up into the cavity, anchors it with a couple of sutures, places the previous glans into the spot for the new clitoris, creates the new urethra, and then sews it all back along the seams, and then sews it together....with the packing in place, of course.

I also asked him about where the skin that is just on the underside of the glans ends up. It's one of my most sensitive spots and I wanted to know where it would end up. My guess was correct as he said it would end up inside the vagina.

I also mentioned the small jellybean sized lump next to my right testicle that I've had all of my life. He said it was probably part of the epididymis. Hopefully he'll be able to tell me after tomorrow. I always wondered what it was.

We also chatted about body contour and breast implants. I said I was just looking at the areas around my waist, but that I didn't have too much there. He said the best results were on people that didn't have too much there...something that was nice to hear. He also said that he'd probably look at 250cc minimum for a breast augmentation. I think he talked about the relatively small size of nipple that I have and how the breast implant should generally be placed. He said the best placement would come off the nipple incision and not thru the crease or armpit. I also showed him the scar for my trachea shave. He said that in time it was going to look really good...but that it just takes a while in that area. He said the scar around the areola would heal up almost invisible. Dr. Meltzer has had some pretty good results, but I'll probably also get a quote from one of the local SF docs. Dr. Meltzer's office quoted me $5970 for the breast aug and another $2500 for the lipo...a total of $8470. They booked me for the breast aug and lipo during my labiaplasty...just to reserve my time, but I'll need to decide soon if that's what I want to do or not.

Once we were done, I asked a few questions at the front desk. They said that three letters would be sent to me concerning my irreversible surgery...letters I will need for a new passport and birth certificate. We also discussed the days I would be out in order to finish off the disability forms for work.

Since Amber was hoping to discuss some possible UTI complications with Dr. Meltzer, I hung around with her. They actually got us in quite fast, especially since the other patient having her consult didn't ask nearly as many questions as I did.

So, soon Amber was undressing in the other exam room...the one with stirrups. Last night, I showed Amber what I have to work with. She said I had a lot of scrotal skin which will probably make up for my lack of foreskin. I told her I've been exercising the scrotal skin in the hopes of having plenty.

As she was undressing in the exam room, though, she showed me what she currently has. Although the clitoris is protruding a bit, her result actually looks pretty good. This labiaplasty is going to leave her with one pretty nice looking vagina. I don't know what it was, but seeing her results in person (after being with her during her surgery last year at this time) really eased my mind. I realized this really is the right decision for me.

When we were back in the front waiting area, I realized that I hadn't dug the nudie magazines out in order to ask Dr. Meltzer what type of vagina/labia he could produce. So, when we were back in there and he'd taken care of Amber's concerns, we looked thru my magazines. The one I really like was also one that he said he could realistically provide. Cool. I'm not really into the vagina's with a lot of extra labia, but the ones with a nice little amount seem really pretty. I told him I'd rather have more length than extra labia.

He was definitely happy to scan thru the magazines, though. It was almost amusing how happy he was to go thru them. He also pointed out a lot of bad boob jobs...especialy the ones that always had to hold their boobs in certain places or looked really bad when they were laying on their backs. One thing he'd pointed out about the breat augmentation, though was that implants typically leave one with very firm, youthful looking breasts....not that it's a bad thing.

After leaving there, Amber and I picked up my mom at the airport, then ran her by Greenbaum so she'd know where it is. I also dropped off a goodie bag for the nurses....who appeared to move me into room 2. Ahhh...another two. Second floor of Holiday Inn Express, 2nd floor of the previous hotel...2nd floor of Greenbaum...Room 2? We'll see tomorrow night.

This afternoon has been nothing but water and Ensure. I've had at least 8 ounces of water every hour on the hour. I downed the Magnesium Citrate at 5:30pm while Amber and my mom ate dinner. About 7:30, something kicked in as I had to go...#2. Amber didn't have to go until after the suppository and Bisacodyl tablets. I was already at least two hours ahead of schedule. I was really surprised that it hit me so fast.

By 9:00, I'd already gone a few times, but inserted the suppository anyway. Yeah, it's a weird feeling shoving that up the anus, but with enough Surgilube on it, it wasn't that bad. I took the Bisacodyl tablets at 9:30. Things are starting to wrap up and now I'm starting to feel a bit hungry. I think the fact that I ate a lot over the past few days combined with the Ensure holding off most of the hunger pains has made it easier. Only tonite do I actually feel hungry...and I'm craving something to eat....but I can't. Oh well. I'm definitely looking forward to food on Wednesday....I hope.

OK, well, I'm off to bed soon. Last night. New day.

Day 2 - Morning Run

I went for a run this morning after finally getting a little sleep last night. I found a golf course to run toward, but soon noticed a hill/rock formation to run up. There were a few paths running thru the hills and I climbed up to the top of one of the lower hills. I took in the awesome view of Phoenix and Scottsdale from atop the hill.

Almost three years ago, I went running the evening I first went to therapy...just hours after getting out of the session...the first time I was really able to talk to someone about what I was feeling and how I wanted to transition.

On my run, the sun was slowly setting behind the Bay Area hill. As I reached the hill I sometimes run up, the sun's brilliant light disappeared behind the far hillside before I could make it to the top of mine. There was still enough light to navigate the hill and the rest of the path home, but I was hoping to reach the top to see the beautiful sunset.

This morning, I ran up this new hill. The view of the valley was nice. I could see the mountains in the distance as the white clouds moved overhead to the winds that have brought the latest rain showers to Phoenix. As I started back on my run, a woman wearing a nice running shirt with running tights ran past me going the other direction. One bonus after SRS will be the ability to finally wear a little more revealing stuff when running...such as what she was wearing. As I reached the parking lot, I saw a car just like mine...except it was green. Was it hers? Was this a symbolic glimpse of my future running by me?

Three Doors Down

After spending the afternoon in the mall either shopping, walking around, or playing video games, we grabbed my last meal at Johnny Rockets. Yes, I decided to just grab a cheeseburger and a milkshake for my last solid food for a few days. I was actually quite full after just the burger and shake, probably since I have been eating too much the past few days. That's probably not a bad thing to have pigged out a bit considering I'll be holed up with an I.V. the next few days.

After dinner, we moved into the Holiday Inn Express after spending a night elsewhere due to occupancy overload in Scottsdale. Next up was the 3 Doors Down concert at Celebrity Theatre. Saliva, a rather hard rock band, was the opener. They weren't quite my style, but since the noise was actually at a respectable level, it was much easier to tolerate them.

After they finished, I was off to the bathroom. OK, this is one bad thing with transition....women's bathroom lines suck. Every time a guy walks by he either shakes his head or tells us how nice it is to be a guy.

3 Doors Down played a pretty good show. Could have been better....could have been worse. At least they were entertaining.

Day 1 - Weather

After spending last night with a few friends talking over a nice little dinner, I was up until 4:30am packing everything into my suitcases. I got up around 7:30 in order to get to the airport in time for Amber and I to catch our flight to Phoenix. With inclement weather moving thru the area, though, we were actually delayed flying out.

I mainly slept on the plane...a flight that was surprisingly smooth considering the weather the entire way...that, or perhaps, I was just too tired to notice.

After checking into the hotel, Amber suggested a local comedy improv theatre with Paula Poundstone. I've heard her name before, but didn't really know who she was. We caught dinner then picked up a few items at the local grocery store. My main item was a couple bottles of water for Monday.

After the grocery store, we walked next door to see if they had a few items including invalid pillows and neosporin that I figured I would buy here after noticing that my regular tube was getting a little low. Amber also picked up a pillow as well, even though we have the red blow up ring that has been passed down from fellow Meltzer patients. Surprisingly, as we approached checkout (both of us with invalid pillows), we both noticed, ironically, that the cashier was T. She looked mid-20’s and like she was full time...but may have still been working as a guy. She had long hair, definite breast growth, wore women’s tights, and had no facial hair. Amber and I didn’t mention anything until we were both outside.

At the Paula Poundstone comedy event, she asked one of the women in the front row what she did. She said she was the financial officer for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender students at ASU. Very cool. Paula didn’t play on any of the subcategories, but had fun with trans stuff...like TransAtlantic, etc. She also didn't understand why everyone had such a big problem with gay marriage, and, of course, poked a little fun at the conservative right. She even had a little fun with being an athiest...about how people are always trying to convert her, but you never see it the opposite way: "Hey, Father...we need to talk about this crazy religion of yours."

Letting go

I thought I dealt with this when I initially started transition...when I went full time...when I had facial surgery, but now I realize I still haven't gotten over all of it. Being T isn't easy. It's hard accepting who you are and what you need to do in order to be...simply in order to be. It's hard giving up that "normal life", of ditching the dream of a wife, 2.3 kids, a dog, and a house in the burbs. Some will say it's not all it's cracked up to be, but all of my friends with kids say they would give anything for their kids....that they would do it all over again exactly the same.

Either way, this is that last little reminder that I'll never have that. Sure, if I really wanted to, I could come close with adoption or a surrogate mother, but the odds are quite against that. And it is nice having family as we age in this complex world of ours. As we grow older, married people are dominated by their children's lives and single people fall thru the cracks.

So, now, here I am.....letting go of that last little inhibition. I gave up the family...the possibility of having a family...long ago. Now it's just finally prying my hands off the cut rope.

Taxes

I finally finished my taxes tonite. I had been waiting to hear how I needed to include my short term disability payments from last year, but I was told today that they are tax free since I've already been taxed on them. I'm definitely in a happy mood. With the Dr. O FFS deduction, as well as a variety of others including electrolysis and the Dr. Meltzer initial stuff, federal and state refunds will come out just shy of paying off SRS. Unfortunately, I'll probably leave a lot of it on my credit card and save some in my bank account to pay for labiaplasty later this year. My current bank account has been getting pretty low over the past few months with travel, the hairline advancement, Christmas, and electrolysis. The tax refund will definitely be nice to have in the ol' bank account. Let's just hope I don't get hit with an audit...although I have nothing to hide, nor did I cheat on my return at all. It just wouldn't be any fun having to deal with justifying FFS and electrolysis to the IRS.

Happy V-Day

Tonite was our last performance of the Vagina Monologues for the V-Day activities at UC-Berkeley. The cast, all college women except for the three transgender people, were incredible. I saw three professional actresses perform the Vagina Monologues last year in Napa, and although they did a wonderful job, these college women simply blew them away. They were much more passionate and full of energy...something the paid actresses didn't have. I was simply amazed with the quality of performances...even though some of them didn't even have any stage experience.

They all conveyed such emotion in each of their spots...from the Russian woman who was violated by soldiers, to the teacher who instructed us on how to say the word 'cunt', to the dominatrix who showed us the variety of moans (the Berkeley and Stanford moans were great), to the Angry Vagina, to the child who'd have her vagina wear a Met's cap...backwards, to finding out what our vaginas smell like, what they would wear, and how they have children...as well as the other numerous monologues I'm leaving out.

The three transgender monologues, written and performed by Lynnee Breedlove, Sherilyn Connelly, and myself covered a variety of items. Lynnee talked about being a non-op, non-hormone man with a vagina...living outside the box. He definitely had a lot of funny moments which tonite, included a joke about the Penis Monologues. Sherilyn talked about wanting a flat stomach and dealing with life as a woman with a penis. I wrapped up the T monologues with my piece entitled 11/10/8 Days...depending on what night it was. Basically, it was my own little countdown to Happy New Vagina Day. Today, though, I celebrated Valentine's Day...one year full time. So, Happy V-Day on two fronts.


Me, Sherilyn, and Lynnee

PS...here's my monologue from tonite:

"8 Days"

I have eight days to go. Eight days. Most women don't have to wait, they just have one.

When I was a child, I was confused. I was just a kid but, yet, what I saw wasn't supposed to be there. I thought, "Nothing's supposed to be there," but it wasn't nothing, it was something.

When I was naked in the locker room, I felt different. Secluded. Alone. Why was I different? Why was I like this? Why was I the only one that had this…"problem"? Did anyone else feel like me?

I hid my pain. Behind corners, I'd cry. Only showing forth what others wanted to see, wanted to hear…wanted. I gave them what they wanted.

Sometimes I pushed the boundary, though. I'd apply my sister's makeup. I'd play house with her on occasion. In 6th grade, I jumped rope with the girls. Double-dutch.

Growing up, I learned to be a man. Sometimes it was easy, sometimes it wasn't, and sometimes it was just utterly chaotic. Guys like girls, and I went along with that plan...without resistance. Girls are nice...but things just didn't quite seem right.

8 days. A week from tomorrow.

I was in an Irish pub in Texas with friends last year. Yes, Texas. An old Irishman was at his piano talking to the audience, singing dirty songs, and telling bad jokes. He asked a pair of women where they were from. "Pasadena." "Texas or California?" "Texas." But he talked about California…then San Francisco. "The women wear their skirts so short in San Francisco you can see their balls." He continued to sing his dirty songs and tell his bad jokes. He saw me standing with my friends a few feet from his piano, and asked, "Where ya from?" I grinned, took a step closer, leaned in and said, "S a n F r a n c i s c o". I caught him off guard. "San Francisco…uh oh, I'm in trouble now. It's ok though, she's a girl," he told the audience. I feared telling them my past, my path, my journey.

He called me a girl. Am I a girl? When I was 10, I was asked, "Are you a boy or a girl." I responded, "What do you think?" He looked at me and said, "Boy," but he seemed disappointed. So was I. Am I a girl?

Eight days. Most women don't have to wait….they just have one. Their chromosomes said to make one. Mine didn't. Something happened up here….or didn't happen….disparity, discomfort, discontentment, disgrace, dysphoria, discovery, dismemberment.

My chromosomes had instructions to make a penis…independently, though, my mind developed female. Can you imagine the conflict?

So, now I stand here, 8 days from having all of that fixed. They'll cut, remove a bit here and a little there, move things around, cut a little more, pull a little here and there, invert it, sew it all back together and wrap it all up like a great big shiny birthday present. My own special birthday present.

Eight days to go. But then I have to wait another 6 days to open my present. Whew, and initially that baby is going to look ugly. Damn ugly. You've never seen one as ugly as mine is going to be. And the smell? OMG…during recovery, you'll never believe how bad it's going to smell. Bad! Oh, and then in order to maintain its shape and prevent it from collapsing in on itself, I have to shove a plastic rod up my vagina in order to dilate - and dilate - and dilate - and dilate - and dilate - and dilate…and, oh, you probably get the point.

And, then…well, I guess I don't have to wait anymore. After I heal, I'll just be…me. I won't have to hid behind corners. I won't have to hold back my tears. I won't have to feel different. I won't have to be someone I'm not. No more Irishman. No more dysphoria. No more penis. And my vagina will look pretty. Very pretty. And it will smell....well, let's just say that it will smell a whole lot better than it did during recovery.

8 days. It's already been a lifetime of waiting. 8 days more. I still have a lifetime to live. 8 days.

8 days too long.

Where did my boobs go?

After a late afternoon run, I decided to take a nice shower this evening. As I was washing up, I noticed that my boobs are smaller...at least 25% smaller. That sucks. I barely have any boobage anyway, and here it is disappearing while I'm off the hormones before surgery. It's almost 2 weeks down, with still over another week to go.

OK, so how do I tell the rest of this without getting totally gross. Hmmm...so, Junior has basically always been able to rise to the occasion when sufficiently aroused. Now it seems like it is about 25% bigger and gets all excited anytime I have to touch it for anything....ANYTHING. It hasn't been able to "spit" at all for quite some time. So, now that I have been off the hormones for two weeks, Junior seems to be regaining more abilities...including the ability to spit again. Two weeks. Damn, I was really hoping to avoid this. Hopefully I don't start sprouting chest hairs again.start sprouting chest hairs again.

Tired

Going back to Sunday morning, I've basically had about 21 hours of sleep. That's 110 hours and I've only slept 21 of them. The Vagina Monologues practice has really kept me busy....that, plus flying out of Oakland Monday morning for a day trip to San Diego. You'd think a 6:40am flight out of Oakland wouldn't be that packed, but the airport was a huge mess. I guess everyone was doing their weekly commute or just starting the work week off early.

So, every night this week, I've basically spent an hour each way making my way over to Berkeley. We had an open rehearsal tonite, so basically we performed in front of a smaller audience, but still in front of an audience. It was basically an opening show. I only messed up slightly at one point early on in my piece, but as another cast mate said, no one probably noticed. Another cast mate told me later that she counted the 'dilates' tonite....19. I jokingly told her I'd have triple digits tomorrow. I'll post my monologue after next Monday's final performance.

It has still been hard memorizing my monologue since I just wrote it last week. I've got it pretty much memorized, and can perform it pretty decent, but the hard part is throwing in that added little extra to make it really nice. I don't have that yet, and if I try to do it, I'm afraid that I'll mess up the rest of it. As I get more comfortable performing it, though, I'll hopefully add in a little.

But, yeah, I'm tired. And when I get home at night, I need a little time to just wind down....which usually pushes me to 1 or 2am on getting to sleep. I plan on sleeping in Saturday morning. When I do get home at night, though, I've been reading a friend's SRS journal. She had her surgery last week and I've been following her recovery. It's nice to read it and get another positive experience so close to my own surgery.

When I mentioned how busy I have been to Amber the other day, we both kinda mentioned that this has kept me distracted, and prevented me from worrying about the upcoming surgery. It does to a degree, but I think it has also helped me to look back at things a little. On my drives to and fro, when I'm not practicing my lines, I'm definitely doing a lot of thinking...and reminiscing about life before I addressed a lot of the T stuff. Life was miserable. I simply was not me. I was uncomfortable with who I was, but was comfortable enough to let people see what they wanted to see. I feel so much better as me now. Let me just say again...surgery sucks, but it's currently the only option with moving on with life.

Ironicarma

K, I'm not saying Good or Bad Karma anymore. Yesterday was just too weird with the whole posting of the '2' stuff and then getting rear ended last night.

So, it's all just coincidental or ironic, or whatever....from now on.

Last week, I noticed that 3 Doors Down will be playing Phoenix the weekend Amber and I arrive. So, after prodding Amber to go, I now have two tickets for their show. I like a lot of their songs that have been on the radio, and picked up two of their CD's this past weekend. After looking at their site yesterday, I found that they were releasing a new CD...thus the tour. The CD came out yesterday and is entitled '17 Days'. Guess how long I will be in Scottsdale/Phoenix? Yup, 17 days.

I listened to the other CD's earlier this week, and the third one today...although very quietly at work. I'll probably have to listen to it again sometime at home. From what I heard today, though, nothing really stood out. :\ In fact, a lot of their songs on the first two CD's that didn't end up on the radio are just a little too hard for me. I guess I'll just hope they play most of the radio songs and not the other ones.

OK, so, some other things that I have noticed about my surgeries....they've all fallen around holidays of some sort. I went full time on Valentine's Day last year, then had FFS two days after President's Day, went with Amber on her SRS which was 2 days after the Fourth of July, had the hairline revision the day after Veteran's Day, and will have SRS the day after President's Day. My scheduled labiaplasty is also the day after a holiday...of sorts, I guess. Weird stuff.

Bad CAR-ma

On my way to the Vagina Monologue's practice tonite, I was rear ended. I was turning right at an intersection behind a few cars when one of the ones ahead suddenly stopped when they noticed people in the cross walk. I was able to brake in time, but I worried about someone behind me smashing into me. I saw the car rapidly approaching.....WHAM!!!!!!!! Dammit! Sure enough, I was hit. And pretty hard I must say. I tried to put my car into park, but my garage door opener had been dislodged from it's normal place and ended up in front of my shifter. I moved it back to its normal location, and also noticed the passenger sun visor was disproportionally forward due to the jolt. I opened my door when I made sure the traffic was clear and asked, "Are you ok?" to the man standing outside his car. He was.

We looked over the damage to our cars. His looked like it was leaking fluid from under the engine...but he said it had been leaking for a while. Mine had a lot of scuff marks, and cracked paint all over the plastic section of my car that's supposed to be a bumper. Damn. Luckily, though, there appeared to be no structural damage.

We pulled into the Jiffy Lube-type place right at the corner and traded information. He was just a kid, and the insurance card he handed me belonged to someone else. I guess I was fortunate that he stopped, though. So, now I have to call up my insurance company and deal with all of that crap again...sorta like last year when my mom had a little accident with my car. It's all sorta deja vu.

This is the second time in my life when I have been rear ended. Both times have definitely shaken me up. It all makes me realize just how fragile we are...how close we are to death. It could all end just like that.

2 weeks

Two's. It's all about the 2's. TUES-day, 2/22, 2nd surgery of the day. Sounds like good KARmA to me.

I feel dirty

I went to another electrologist today. My usual one is out of town...running around in Asia somewhere. Since she won’t be back before I have SRS, and since I’ve noticed a few hairs pop up here and there on ol’ Junior, I decided to get them cleaned up by someone else. I’ve been to this other electro before, two and a half years ago, to get some hairs zapped after I had laser on my chest. She actually remembered me when I called her yesterday to schedule the appointment. When I showed up today she was amazed at how far I had come.

Like before, I allowed her to use blend - thermolysis and galvanic. The hard part is that I recently left my Emla and pain meds at my main electro and forgot to re-obtain them before this session. Luckily, the settings weren’t that high, and I was able to make it thru OK. I had her get every one of those little buggers that I could see. Every one. Even the small tiny gray ones that you can’t see unless you have a black background and enough light in order to catch the contrast. I would pull the skin up and look at the edge of it against the far wall to see where the hairs were. We did that about a dozen times in order to get them all. Hopefully the ones that do return can be zapped by Dr. Meltzer during SRS....the rest, I hope, will be small enough to never cause me any problems.

Terminology

As I chatted with this other electrologist, we talked about the demographics of her business. She said about 40% of her business were men, 5% tranny, and the rest were women.

I usually just say ‘T’ for anyone that is transgender, especially transsexual men and women. After I’d said it a few times, she said she kinda liked that better than ‘tranny’. I then had to explain to her that the word tranny was similar to the word ‘nigga/nigger’. It was ok for a transgender person to say it, but some people feel that it is derogatory if someone that is not transgender (or lesbian/gay/bi) says it. I don’t see a problem with ‘tranny’, but since my non-T friends hear my own verbiage, then tend to use ‘T’ as well. I’d hate to get them stuck on something that will cause them trouble later on.

I’ve also IM’d here and there with a few TS friends lately...especially if they know I am having SRS soon. They ask me if I am nervous, excited, anxious, etc. Yes. I am. During some of the conversations, I’ve used some of the terms I have used over the years: Junior and the boys. I think it’s kinda obvious what those represent. People laugh when they hear me use that reference. I told one person recently that I should come up with a new name for after SRS. Hmmm....Muffy?

good KARmA

Today is February 2 - Groundhog Day. He saw his shadow. I didn’t even look for mine...I saw winter last week. I don’t need anymore.

My surgery is on Tuesday (Two’s - day), February 22nd, 2/22. I’m the 2nd surgery that day. The woman before me that morning has the same two pair of initials.

I’m not one to believe in the whole number mumbo-jumbo, or fate/destiny stuff. Sure, some factors do control our destiny, but we still control what we do with most of our lives. When I saw the 22 thing when they scheduled me, I really warmed up to that date.

But, yeah, I kinda like the 2 thing...it’s good karma. I was born on the 22nd...just not February.

I'm melting...melting...

I stopped hormones today. I’m still taking spiro, but Dr. Meltzer advises discontinuing the estrogen 3 weeks before surgery. So, no more Premarin...for a while. And in the future, I won’t be taking Premarin anymore anyway. My healthcare provider called with a message tonite that they are switching me over to Estradiol/Estrace instead of Premarin. A lot of people think it’s really bad to be taking horse estrogens, which might be right, but there really hasn’t been many studies on the HRT programs for transsexuals. Most oral estrogens work about the same, and as long as you’re smart with your prescriptions, there typically aren’t any problems. That means limited drinking, no smoking, and staying in shape.

Since stopping the hormones, though, I don’t feel any different, and probably won’t for some time since it takes quite a while to remove the estrogen from the system. It will hopefully be a slow decrease, but it could be similar to menopause.

I warned my boss last week that I had to stop the hormones this week, just to give him warning in case I start acting any more unusual than normal. “If I get out of hand, just yell, ‘Kara, stop it! It’s the hormones, remember?’ “ I told him.

It’s kinda funny, on my way to the Vagina Monologue’s meeting two nights ago, I was getting really irrate with all of the slow ass Sunday drivers. I laughed, thinking, “If I’m this pissy and moody with hormones, what am I going to be without them?” Actually, though, I’ve always been rather moody around bad and slow drivers. If you see me on the road, just pull to the side.

And they lived happily ever after

So, a few weeks ago, I was reading Gwen Smith’s blog. She mentioned that this year’s V-Day performances of the Vagina Monologues would include the transgender option from last year’s transgender V-Day performance in LA. At first, I wondered if a transgender group in the San Francisco Bay Area could put something together in time to perform our own version, but I realized I didn’t have enough time for something to come together, nor enough time for myself to be involved with planning it.

I looked online to see if there were any local performances, and found that the University of California - Berkeley was having three performances. I contacted them via email to see if they were having the transgender option. Two people responded that they were. They also mentioned that they were in need of transgender performers and asked if I knew anyone who might be interested.

I passed along the names of Sherilyn Connelly, who I met at the Cotillion when she performed her own spoken word piece, and Gwen Smith, who was very much involved with last year’s performance piece.

Longer story short, Sherilyn and I auditioned for spots in their monologue and got them. I wasn’t sure I was even supposed to audition, but I said what the hell, looked over the script for a few minutes, then read the entire thing as an audition. They appeared to like my rendition well enough to ask me to perform Eve’s transgender monologue this year. Cool. Sherilyn and I will also hopefully be writing our own personal monologues since it appeared that most of the production crew weren’t that impressed with Eve’s T-monologue. They didn’t think it was as personal as others they have had. You see, UC-Berkeley has had transgender performers in the past - regardless if there were transgender monologues or not. So, I guess this will be keeping me busy. The last of their three shows falls just over a week before I have my own vagina.

That still seems to weird to say. Vagina. My vagina. When I look in the mirror and pull my penis to the side and hide it so I can’t see it - cupping it as though it weren’t there - and imagine that there is a vagina there, things seem right. What’s remarkable, though, is that there is this feeling of just being me. Me. And it feels nice, like a warm happy glow. I wonder if that glow - this happy high feeling - exists post-op? I also wonder how reality sets in afterward. Will I grow depressed due to loneliness? I’ve been alone most of my life, but the times I have been in some type of relationship, I have been a lot happier. I have so much I want to do in life, but now I feel hampered by my age and my debt. I can and will work off the debt, but dealing with growing old is something I will just have to deal with. I’d like to deal with it with someone I love - but that is a new bridge I will have to cross.

Phucking cold

I’m tired...and way too busy. I just spent the past few days on the East Coast. The frigid East Coast. It was phucking cold. I froze my phucking balls off. OK, for a while longer I can say that. Seriously, the guy on the radio yesterday morning said it was 7 degrees on the wrong side of zero - and that was after it had warmed up a bit. They had a blizzard last weekend, and, of course, since it hadn’t been that warm, most of the snow was still around. The roads, though, were quite clear.

While in the area, I was able to visit with Reise, a good friend I’ve now been able to hang out with twice since visiting her area. Although we are both quite unique, we still share similarities outside our vast differences. She’s one of my few close friends that isn’t hung up on being straight. Like me, she’s open to women, men, and T’s. I think I need more friends like her. :)

One Month To Go

People ask me if I am nervous or excited. I say yes. I’ve had a variety of people...a fling, a good friend from college, co-workers, other T friends, my grandmother....ask me how I am doing, if I am excited, or nervous. I am doing ok, and yes, I am excited, nervous, worried, anxious....for it to be over, for it to begin.

One month. I’m exactly 34 and a half years old today. Thirty-four years and six months, four hundred and fourteen months old. It’s flown by, but it’s gone so slowly. And now I have one more month to go. The past 11 months being full time have flown by, and the next one will too, but it will also go as slow as....well, as slow as I want it to go. I’ve stayed busy....busy keeping my mind busy. I probably need to take a day or two off and just think. Or not think. Ponder. Just sit and be one with nothing. To answer the question of who I am. Just to make sure? Why am I looking for a reason not to have it. Nothing says to keep it...well, except for the occasional sexual appetite for a woman. Is that it? Do I only worry about keeping it in case I meet a woman that is into having penetrative sex with a TS? I don’t know. I do like girls. I also like boys, and TS. And yet, I’m just a child dealing with her sexuality. I’m not even comparable to a college student testing out her passionate boundaries of intimacy.

Staying busy....today, I was in a wrap-up meeting for Day of Remembrance 2004. We just sat around discussing what went right, what could be improved, and just chatting in general. We had barbeque and pasta salad that I brought, and a little ice cream to wrap it all up. A few asked how I was doing. Nervous, excited. What else can I say? To go through all of my thoughts, I’d have to write about a zillion pages. Or well, I can say what I have summarized before...on my trip with Amber during her SRS last summer: SRS is the best available option at having a fulfilling life. Yes, it is the only option outside of an orchiectomy or keeping it, but I’m done worrying about having it. I wish I didn’t have to go thru the mess of obtaining it...of spending a lot of my lifetime savings, of going thru the pain, the swelling, of having to dilate, of having to worry about surgical complications....worrying how I will feel 20 years from now about a decision I’m making today.

Too much thinking. I’m off to party.