Day 10 - Amber's Turn

Amber's just been brought into her recovery room - the room she'll spend the next day on bed rest. She was supposed to go into surgery about mid-afternoon, but I don't think she made it into surgery until around 5pm. Mom and I sat with her in the staging area from around 2:30 until about 4 when I went upstairs to dilate. Mom stayed with Amber.

Just as I was about to dilate and I was sitting in the chair with my pants at my knees, there is a knock at my door and a 'Hello, it's me' from a male voice. I yell, "I'm dilating" before I recognize that it's Dr. Meltzer. He says, "It's ok, I don't think you can embarrass me with anything."

Frankly, I'm ok with about anyone seeing the surgical site and being there for dilation, but I do try to keep it fairly private so that I won't conditionally make vaginal intercourse a chore instead of something pleasurable. (I've found soft jazz music to be the best atmostphere in which to dilate thus far.) I've also had Amber take numerous pictures of my vagina during different points of recovery, so I guess some of it has more of a documentary type aspect.

So, Dr. Meltzer takes a brief look at things and I tell him that I have pain getting around the PC muscle and when the dilator hits the very top. He says I'm the second patient to tell him about the top pain today.

I'm trying to shoo him back downstairs since I know Amber is waiting, but then we talked a little about depth. I mention that I have about 5 1/4" to the vaginal opening and at least another 1/2" of labial tissue. He says that tissue will help create the total vaginal cavity after labiaplasty and that I should have adequate depth. I tell him I'm not even sure I'll need it since I don't know if I like guys or not. Anyway, I finally shoo him off and start dilating before there is another knock at the door and my scream that "I'm dilating." This time it's Janet from Dr. Meltzer's office so she just walks right in since she was the one who dilated me yesterday. We had a small conversation while I kept pressure on the end of the dilator and made circles with the end. She suggested buying a vibrator of sorts and I told her that Amber gave me a rubber ducky that vibrates. (I heard she was going to get me the red devil ducky - since I'm so mean - but they were out.)

In the past day, though, I've realized I can't feel my clitoris, but if I touch and press down on the area around it, I definitely get some good sensations from nerves that used to be connected to the glans. I've also noted decent shaft sensation on the area right above the clitoris. I've been told, though, that feeling should return to the clitoris after the swelling goes down and things are a little more healed.

Day 9 - Dilation

Janet from Dr. Meltzer's office just called and said she'd be by in about an hour. She said she was 'stopping by to dilate me.' I knew it was coming and that this Sunday dilation was not the normal day for this. (She was flying out Monday night to Vegas for her day off on Tuesday and knew it would be difficult to do three dilations in one day.)

I was having a bowel movement after breakfast this morning and felt the urge to pee even though I'd just unhooked from the foley bag. So, I relaxed my muscles that keep me from peeing knowing that the catheter plug will prevent anything from coming out. As I did, I felt urine coming out of the sutured area. I quickly activated my muscles again to keep urine from going all over.

I told the nurse out front what had happened and she said that sometimes happens. She actually made it sound like good news since things weren't swollen enough to prevent urine from escaping.

Noon - Lunch has just arrived, just as I had wrapped up my frist dilation session. Janet arrived about 11am and we were able to finish inside an hour. First, she cut the sutures that held the labia together after having applied a warm washcloth to 'loosen them up.' It felt a little uncomfortable and there were a few shoots of pain. Having the packing then pulled out was very unique. She said to keep the PC (Pubococcygeus) muscle relaxed so she could get it out, but there is no way in hell someone can do that. I told her it was hard to do that, but she said I had to. I didn't, but she didn't seem to have any problems getting all of it out. It felt like a cross between taking a dump and someone putting a lot of pressure on the perineum, but with a hint/dash of pain.

Next up, she dug all the dilation stuff out: the dilators (1, 2T, 2, 3, and 4) that were nestled in their tericloth pocket pouch, the Surgilube, the mirror, and later, the douche kit. She dug out #1, but talked about the tapered #2 as well.

She first went over the new anatomy - CUV - Clitoris, Urethra, and Vagina. It looks damn ugly. I should send a picture back to the kids at UC Berkeley. The labia is swollen and really misshaped. The clitoris, which I can't feel, is smaller than Amber's but Janet says mine is a very decent size. The urethra still has the catheter line coming out of it, but there is this charcoal material all around the entrance. The vagina is also pretty ugly looking.

It's amazing looking at it in relation to where things used to be...especially how the penis shaft is tucked down into the vagina. (JoanB calls it genital origami.) My cleared zone of hair above the penis shaft may be too much, but we'll see how things settle after the swelling goes down.

The mons (pooch) area is still very swollen and she showed me the sutures that are attached just above the mons area that are holding things in place. Amber had two divots, but it looks like I only have one...possibly indicating that I already busted one.

As I was waiting for Janet this morning, I looked at Amber's journal from this last year and the method used to relax for dilation and entry of the dilators. I'd already dug out some jazz on the laptop, and thinking back to the Vagina Monologues, I almost wanted to play 'Let's Get It On' by Marvin Gaye when we started dilation...but I obviously didn't prepare well enough nor does this stupid internet connection in the room allow me to access iTunes on my computer. Oh well.

She checked inside my vagina with her fingers first then loaded up #1 with a bunch of Surgilube. In it went and I felt the dilator move past the PC muscle. It was definitely uncomfortable and a bit painful. We didn't keep it in very long, but she pulled it out and wiped it off. She placed some Bacitracin on the tip and had me smooth it all around. I then placed Surgilube on the bent area of the dilator and smoothed it all around. Then she had me locate the entrance of my vagina with the mirror and insert the dilator. Getting it past the PC muscle is definitely not fun. It hurt pretty good to hold it in the full '15 minutes' which actually ended up being 20 minutes since we were talking. Pulling it out is also kinda uncomfortable, until it's past the PC muscle. What's amazing, though, is that at some point, this is supposed to feel good...really good. Hmmm...that's not going to happen for a while.

We cleaned up and that was about it. She'd already gone over some of the directions but went over them again as well as the douching instructions.

10pm - Dr. Meltzer stopped by this afternoon and took a look at things. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I think he just makes sure to make an appearance in case things aren't going ok. Things are OK, pretty much, so sometimes he'll just ask if he needs to look at things or not. He looked today since the labial sutures have been removed and all of it is exposed. He said things looked pretty decent and were healing well. I also asked him about the peeing around the catheter thing, and he said about the same as Janet and the nurse. He also said that of his patients that have had that, all of them have been able to pee when they took the catheter out. Hopefully that is a good sign for this Wednesday. I'd hate to be the first that doesn't.

I also asked him about the lump I had near my right testicle. I think he said it was a verrucose lump and that I had veins running all through the area - probably from weight lifting. I told him I didn't do that much when I was younger, but I have been running and exercising for quite a while.

I'd noted my vaginal depth around 5 1/4 - 5 1/2" from the first dilation (Janet said this might decrease as the swelling went down) and asked him how deep he thought I was. He said it was hard to tell with his equipment, but after I told him the noted measurements, he said it sounded right.

The bruising on my left side is definitely more prominent, so I asked him about it. He said he had to cut a little higher in that area to release the spermatic cord.

So, I have dilated on my own twice, now. The first time with Janet hurt at least 10 minutes when first starting. The session this afternoon hurt for about the first 5 minutes, and even less on the dilation I just wrapped up. Most of the pain comes from the PC muscle and somewhere deep when I continue to push on the dilator. I dilated around 11am with Janet, and spaced out today's dilations to 4pm and 9pm. I'll dilate again at 2am (I have my phone set and a wakeup call with my nurse) and sometime in the morning...hopefully around 7am if I can get up by then. The first day they require 5 dilations, but then it reduces to 4 per day for the first month. It then reduces to twice a day for the following two months, then once a day for another three months. After that, it's just once a week for the rest of my life.

I also switched over to my own cotton panties - ones that I bought for this trip. I bought slightly larger ones - and stuff cheaper than my normal ones since I'll proably just toss these. My booty seems to prefer the cotton ones a lot better than the mesh underwear. I probably should have switched to these a few days ago.

Day 8 - Escape Attempt

So, let's do a little review of the food intake.

1st day - fruit/yogurt for breakfast, soup/salad for lunch and dinner

2nd day - fruit/yogurt for breakfast, mac n' cheese and salad for lunch, pasta and salad for dinner

3rd day - fruit/yogurt for breakfast, mac n' cheese and salad for lunch, chicken parmesan and salad for dinner

I've had fruit or a salad at all my meals. Today, though, I escaped for lunch. Or, actually, Mom escaped for me since Dr. Meltzer still hadn't arrived by noon. She ran next door to the Port of Subs and picked me up a turkey and bacon sandwich. Yum.

I also wanted to escape to the hotel to check my email since I can't access it here via their 'Get Well TV' internet service. They also have no ethernet connections that seem to work. Unfortunately, since Dr. Meltzer didn't arrive until after 1pm and Lisa from LA stopped by, that put my shower fairly late.

After I was cleaned up, I finally 'escaped' to the hotel for a little internet connection and a small nap. Amber was out trying to find me some sweat bottoms and since it was getting fairly late, she just brought some food back. I was up for a cheap burger, so she just got me a double cheeseburger and shake from Burger King.

I was back to Greenbaum before 7:30pm (the time the nurses change over). Julie has taken extra good care of me the past three day shifts. She's always awakened me with a cheerful greeting - reminiscent of Cocoon.

OK, well, I've lost track of the number of bowel movements today. I've had lots. They've kinda continued off last night's prune juice. Late tonite, I think I've finally caught up so that I have about a day's worth of food in me. TMI?

The blisters/sores are still there - still annoying - trying to heal, but it seems like a very slow progress. Laughing and coughing have also been very unique sensations. When I first laughed or coughed it felt very uncomfortable. I'd tighten my stomach muscles and brace for the pain. I've had a few coughing spells - mainly at night - that have kinda gotten me used to the feeling, plus having had time to heal, such that it doesn't feel that bad any more to cough or laugh....well, it doesn't hurt too bad. I haven't had to sneeze since surgery, though, but that could be a different experience.

I dug my small 'compact' mirror out of my purse just to kinda look at things since I can't see beyond the top of the incisions/sutures, but had seen my surgical site via pictures that Amber took for me. So, I made myself comfy on the bed and took a look downstairs.

Amber had trouble with a very sensitive and exposed clitoris and I hadn't even seen/felt mine. I can't tell if I can see it in the suture line or not, but it might be there. I also noticed a little bruising toward the bottom of the sutured labia, the only main bruising I've really noticed. I can feel sensation over most of the region except for a few areas down low along the suture line.

Otherwise, it basically looks like someone sewed my perineum together to form a labial monstrosity. It's very Frankenstein looking, especially with the huge sutures, swelling, discoloration, and general yuckiness.

Tonite, I have noticed a bit more bruising above my left leg...so I do actually have some bruising. It's more of a darker yellow color with a little purple mixed in. I've been gently massaging it - trying to keep it to a minimum.

Day 7 - I smiled

I smiled this morning. I saw myself in the mirror and smiled. Up until that moment, I was really indifferent to the surgery.

So, this morning, Julie came in to take the drains out. She said it wouldn't hurt...that bad...and that she was really good at it. She placed the necessary items on my bed as I pulled the mesh underwear down. She undid the tape and then cut the sutures holding them in place. With one swooping motion, she pulled them out of my groin one at a time. They hurt a bit, but the pain quickly subsided. She had me hold gauze on the site for a few minutes, but then things were nice. No more drains. Julie also brought in my meds which included starting my hormones again. It's been 3 1/2 weeks since I stopped....it's definitely nice to have them again.

As Christa and Julie made my bed, they said it was really nice out. So, I went out to the patio area for a few minutes before I noticed my mom and Amber walk by. We did a couple of laps and now I'm back in my room. I've had a few rumblings this morning...strong enough that I sat on the toilet for about 15 minutes each. Unfortunately, I still haven't had to go. It's sorta depressing. I'd really like to get that first one out of the way.

I've also stopped pain killers. I thought I might have to take one after the drains were pulled, but I'm pain killer free since last night at 5pm. The pain killers definitely help with sleeping, but it's also nice not having to take them. In the end, I think I ended up taking a total of 4 the day after surgery, and 2 yesterday. Not too bad for this wuss.

11:30pm - I've finally gone...a few times. The first two weren't much and I basically sat there for quite a while until stuff came out. After dinner, I did a few more laps and had a little prune juice. Since then, I've gone three times. All three and the two "rumblings" were soft - very soft. It's definitely different getting used to the way things are. I no longer have to tuck when sitting down on the toilet. That will probably take a while to get used to. It will be nice when I can also pee again. I still have to either plug into the foley bag or drain into the the toilet. And I can't just sit there to empty it. Nope. The hose is kinda taped to my stomach and it doesn't have much range.

Speaking of hoses, I was thinking back to the last things I did with Junior. As they were rushing me thru check-in, I thought for sure that they would request a urine sample. They didn't, so before I loaded up onto the gurney, I asked to use the restroom. So, to give it a fair and honorable sendoff, I stood in front of the toilet and urinated. That, I thought, would be the last time. Guess I still have a few more days left of standing up...until the catheter comes out.

OK, that makes 4 times tonite. Perhaps I shouldn't have had the prune juice.

Speaking of crap, the insurance company for the car of the person who rear ended me called to tell me that the policy on the car had been cancelled and was not valid. Great.

Day 6 - Booty Blisters

I've got blisters on my booty. Yeah, it's hard to believe that I got bed sores after only 2 days, but I got a few. Even Julie, the nurse, couldn't believe that I had them. The good news is that I am now allowed to get up and walk around

I only noticed the bed sores after standing up from the chair I had been resting in. OK, yes, I was feeling my butt since the stretchy mesh underwear kinda sticks to you after a while.

Julie trained me on how to cap off the catheter. It's not too hard except it can just be a little messy. Basically, I squeeze the tube that leads out of the surgical site and then unplug the hose that leads to the foley bag. I then place caps into the hose taped to my stomach, and place a cap over the tube to the foley bag. I've noticed weird pains in my stomach, though, due to different pressures from the tube...especially when reconnecting to the foley bag or at the end of peeing/draining into the toilet. Releasing the tube slowly helps to not create too much of a pressure differential, but the rest of the pains I can't prevent.

10:00pm - After lunch, I finally took a shower. It definitely wasn't easy. After the drains are gone, things will hopefully change with the ease of taking a shower and getting around.

After the shower, I capped off and took a lap around the ward. I said hi to the two other Dr. Meltzer patients. Karista, the woman who was supposed to be before me was lying in bed. She's also from the Bay Area, but I don't think I've ever met her. Connie, who's closer to my age, and maybe younger than me, is from Minnesota and here with her partner. Connie had surgery yesterday and should be up tomorrow. I crashed for a 2 hour nap after the jaunt.

Mom, Amber, and I just watched a little TV tonite with Survivor and CSI on.
I'm still having slightly weird phantom pains/feelings as though my penis is hanging there. I know it's not, but it is totally weird.

So, how do I feel now that it is gone? Eh, I don't really have any feelings. OK, well, it still hurts a bit. It's swollen. It's hard to sit down. It's a pain to 'pee'. Oh yeah, it's everything I wanted so far.

Amber took pictures for me this morning and it looks a lot like hers did at this time...except, well, she had a better tan. Mine is still majorly swollen...more than I expected.

I've talked to numerous friends. Court and I talked for a while. She said hers is still swollen some 4 months later. She had the 1 stage with the dude in Canada, though.

Day 5 - The Day After....Surgery

When Linda from Dr. Meltzer’s office called yesterday morning around 8:30am, I really wasn’t expecting them to ask me to get to the hospital as soon as possible. The person who was supposed to go before me needed a special type of anesthesia that they could only get set up in the main hospital yesterday afternoon. That meant that they wanted me as soon as I could get there.

I was really hoping I had a little time between waking up at 8am and heading to the hospital. I guess I just wanted to ponder things one last time and also take things at a nice leisurely pace.

So, I rushed thru a shower just to wash the hair and clean the surgical area. I patted myself dry, placed a little conditioner and gel in my hair, brushed the teeth…then we were off.

They rushed me thru check-in, had me in my gown, took vitals, and had me on the gurney in no time.

I could hear them at the desk saying they had to run double-time on Bay 12 – where I was. The lady doing the IV missed on the first attempt, but got it on the second try as Dr. Campbell, the anesthesiologist went thru some items to keep me distracted.

Previously, one of the other nurses asked me if I was having vaginoplasty and a breast augmentation. I told her it was just supposed to be a vaginoplasty. She ran back to the station and checked the order which said just the vaginoplasty. When she came back, I said I wouldn’t mind waking up with a free pair of boobs. I told them that the other person had a similar name and things might have been confused.

I also got a shot to thin my blood, I think, and they also gave me something thru the IV. Then they gave me a pill that they said would relax me. Mom and Amber came back once I was ready. I was afraid that I would be very emotional when they let them back to see me off, but we weren’t together that long before they wheeled me off that I didn’t even have time to cry. I think I made it past the swinging doors and down the hall before I was asleep...all before the time I was supposed to have even checked in at 10am.

As I was coming out of unconsciousness last night, I remember having this urge to pee. I was also very tired. Claire called, but I can barely remember talking to her. Amber helped me place my earrings back in my ears...which turned out to be quite a chore since my holes had already started closing....and of course, I was basically wasted.

I also seemed to have phantom sensation – as though my penis was still attached. I didn’t really have any pain all night long, though, except if I moved a lot. From the time I was wheeled in to the hospital room, I found it hard to stay awake until last night. I was able to converse more around late evening. My sleep came in spurts of about 1 hour since the nurses came in about that often. My throat didn’t feel sore, but it was definitely dry. My voice seemed lower than usual and I couldn’t muster anything close to my normal voice. I’ve also had weird pains whenever they empty out of the foley bag.

My breakfast today was yogurt, a banana, and juice. Lunch was soup, salad, fruit, and ice cream. Mmmmmm….ice cream.

2:20pm - Janet just stopped by. She was checking up on things and making sure I was breathing into the spirometer, drinking plenty of water, and ensuring I was keeping enough ice on the site.

Allison, the only other Dr. Meltzer patient on the floor, stopped by to say hi. She said it’s been very quiet and lonely for her. Karista, the other patient the day of my surgery, is supposed to be transferred to Greenbaum this afternoon.

It’s been nice having Amber and my mom here. I’ve also had phone calls from Claire, Rachel, JoanB, Courtney (who called by chance), and Stephanie Anne. Flowers have come in from Mom and Amber, Dad and the rest of the family, Lauren, Lisa, and some other old friends.

7:40pm - The nurse’s assistant just stopped by. Her name is Kara, and she was born the same year as me. She’s the first Kara I’ve ever met in person.

Dr. Meltzer stopped by about 7pm. He asked how I was doing and looked at the surgical site. He said things looked fine.

So, what does the surgical site look like? Well, I have a large ice bag over the site. There is a net-like pair of underwear holding everything else that is dangling out of my body. There are two drain bags with lines running down to the vaginal area…similar to what I had leading out of mouth for last year’s FFS with Dr. O. The line to the catheter is also running thru there. I have a pad that is down on the underside. It’s all fairly swollen. Also, I can’t even see where it is sutured together, but I can feel around a bit. I can see just the top of the site and all of the tubes running out. Right at the top where the new labia is sewn together I can see the area that used to be the base area just above the shaft of my penis…which I know because that’s where the line of electrolysis is located.

Oh, yeah, dinner was soup, salad, fruit, and ice cream. Mom got me a little more ice cream for a snack.

Day 4 - Phone Call

Linda from Dr. Meltzer's office just called. The person that was scheduled this morning requested something different with her anesthesia...so, they want me now. NOW. I'm up as soon as I get over there.

Day 3 - The Day Before

Amber and I were off for my pre-surgical consult this morning. We arrived shortly before my 9:30am appointment and appeared to be the first ones there. We were taken to an exam room and Janet had me initial and sign a bunch of forms. After I disrobed, I put one of their black robes on.

When Dr. Meltzer came in, I had a list of questions for him. I asked for a general description of surgery...just for clarification. He mentioned that he basically inverts everything...but went into a few of the items. I believe, and this is not necessarily in order, he makes a cut along the midline of the perineum, cuts a skin graft out of the scrotal skin, separates the head from the penile shaft while maintaining the nerve connections, creates a cavity thru the middle muscle area, sews the graft onto the end of the penile skin, pulls the penile skin down and inverts it up into the cavity, anchors it with a couple of sutures, places the previous glans into the spot for the new clitoris, creates the new urethra, and then sews it all back along the seams, and then sews it together....with the packing in place, of course.

I also asked him about where the skin that is just on the underside of the glans ends up. It's one of my most sensitive spots and I wanted to know where it would end up. My guess was correct as he said it would end up inside the vagina.

I also mentioned the small jellybean sized lump next to my right testicle that I've had all of my life. He said it was probably part of the epididymis. Hopefully he'll be able to tell me after tomorrow. I always wondered what it was.

We also chatted about body contour and breast implants. I said I was just looking at the areas around my waist, but that I didn't have too much there. He said the best results were on people that didn't have too much there...something that was nice to hear. He also said that he'd probably look at 250cc minimum for a breast augmentation. I think he talked about the relatively small size of nipple that I have and how the breast implant should generally be placed. He said the best placement would come off the nipple incision and not thru the crease or armpit. I also showed him the scar for my trachea shave. He said that in time it was going to look really good...but that it just takes a while in that area. He said the scar around the areola would heal up almost invisible. Dr. Meltzer has had some pretty good results, but I'll probably also get a quote from one of the local SF docs. Dr. Meltzer's office quoted me $5970 for the breast aug and another $2500 for the lipo...a total of $8470. They booked me for the breast aug and lipo during my labiaplasty...just to reserve my time, but I'll need to decide soon if that's what I want to do or not.

Once we were done, I asked a few questions at the front desk. They said that three letters would be sent to me concerning my irreversible surgery...letters I will need for a new passport and birth certificate. We also discussed the days I would be out in order to finish off the disability forms for work.

Since Amber was hoping to discuss some possible UTI complications with Dr. Meltzer, I hung around with her. They actually got us in quite fast, especially since the other patient having her consult didn't ask nearly as many questions as I did.

So, soon Amber was undressing in the other exam room...the one with stirrups. Last night, I showed Amber what I have to work with. She said I had a lot of scrotal skin which will probably make up for my lack of foreskin. I told her I've been exercising the scrotal skin in the hopes of having plenty.

As she was undressing in the exam room, though, she showed me what she currently has. Although the clitoris is protruding a bit, her result actually looks pretty good. This labiaplasty is going to leave her with one pretty nice looking vagina. I don't know what it was, but seeing her results in person (after being with her during her surgery last year at this time) really eased my mind. I realized this really is the right decision for me.

When we were back in the front waiting area, I realized that I hadn't dug the nudie magazines out in order to ask Dr. Meltzer what type of vagina/labia he could produce. So, when we were back in there and he'd taken care of Amber's concerns, we looked thru my magazines. The one I really like was also one that he said he could realistically provide. Cool. I'm not really into the vagina's with a lot of extra labia, but the ones with a nice little amount seem really pretty. I told him I'd rather have more length than extra labia.

He was definitely happy to scan thru the magazines, though. It was almost amusing how happy he was to go thru them. He also pointed out a lot of bad boob jobs...especialy the ones that always had to hold their boobs in certain places or looked really bad when they were laying on their backs. One thing he'd pointed out about the breat augmentation, though was that implants typically leave one with very firm, youthful looking breasts....not that it's a bad thing.

After leaving there, Amber and I picked up my mom at the airport, then ran her by Greenbaum so she'd know where it is. I also dropped off a goodie bag for the nurses....who appeared to move me into room 2. Ahhh...another two. Second floor of Holiday Inn Express, 2nd floor of the previous hotel...2nd floor of Greenbaum...Room 2? We'll see tomorrow night.

This afternoon has been nothing but water and Ensure. I've had at least 8 ounces of water every hour on the hour. I downed the Magnesium Citrate at 5:30pm while Amber and my mom ate dinner. About 7:30, something kicked in as I had to go...#2. Amber didn't have to go until after the suppository and Bisacodyl tablets. I was already at least two hours ahead of schedule. I was really surprised that it hit me so fast.

By 9:00, I'd already gone a few times, but inserted the suppository anyway. Yeah, it's a weird feeling shoving that up the anus, but with enough Surgilube on it, it wasn't that bad. I took the Bisacodyl tablets at 9:30. Things are starting to wrap up and now I'm starting to feel a bit hungry. I think the fact that I ate a lot over the past few days combined with the Ensure holding off most of the hunger pains has made it easier. Only tonite do I actually feel hungry...and I'm craving something to eat....but I can't. Oh well. I'm definitely looking forward to food on Wednesday....I hope.

OK, well, I'm off to bed soon. Last night. New day.

Day 2 - Morning Run

I went for a run this morning after finally getting a little sleep last night. I found a golf course to run toward, but soon noticed a hill/rock formation to run up. There were a few paths running thru the hills and I climbed up to the top of one of the lower hills. I took in the awesome view of Phoenix and Scottsdale from atop the hill.

Almost three years ago, I went running the evening I first went to therapy...just hours after getting out of the session...the first time I was really able to talk to someone about what I was feeling and how I wanted to transition.

On my run, the sun was slowly setting behind the Bay Area hill. As I reached the hill I sometimes run up, the sun's brilliant light disappeared behind the far hillside before I could make it to the top of mine. There was still enough light to navigate the hill and the rest of the path home, but I was hoping to reach the top to see the beautiful sunset.

This morning, I ran up this new hill. The view of the valley was nice. I could see the mountains in the distance as the white clouds moved overhead to the winds that have brought the latest rain showers to Phoenix. As I started back on my run, a woman wearing a nice running shirt with running tights ran past me going the other direction. One bonus after SRS will be the ability to finally wear a little more revealing stuff when running...such as what she was wearing. As I reached the parking lot, I saw a car just like mine...except it was green. Was it hers? Was this a symbolic glimpse of my future running by me?

Three Doors Down

After spending the afternoon in the mall either shopping, walking around, or playing video games, we grabbed my last meal at Johnny Rockets. Yes, I decided to just grab a cheeseburger and a milkshake for my last solid food for a few days. I was actually quite full after just the burger and shake, probably since I have been eating too much the past few days. That's probably not a bad thing to have pigged out a bit considering I'll be holed up with an I.V. the next few days.

After dinner, we moved into the Holiday Inn Express after spending a night elsewhere due to occupancy overload in Scottsdale. Next up was the 3 Doors Down concert at Celebrity Theatre. Saliva, a rather hard rock band, was the opener. They weren't quite my style, but since the noise was actually at a respectable level, it was much easier to tolerate them.

After they finished, I was off to the bathroom. OK, this is one bad thing with transition....women's bathroom lines suck. Every time a guy walks by he either shakes his head or tells us how nice it is to be a guy.

3 Doors Down played a pretty good show. Could have been better....could have been worse. At least they were entertaining.

Day 1 - Weather

After spending last night with a few friends talking over a nice little dinner, I was up until 4:30am packing everything into my suitcases. I got up around 7:30 in order to get to the airport in time for Amber and I to catch our flight to Phoenix. With inclement weather moving thru the area, though, we were actually delayed flying out.

I mainly slept on the plane...a flight that was surprisingly smooth considering the weather the entire way...that, or perhaps, I was just too tired to notice.

After checking into the hotel, Amber suggested a local comedy improv theatre with Paula Poundstone. I've heard her name before, but didn't really know who she was. We caught dinner then picked up a few items at the local grocery store. My main item was a couple bottles of water for Monday.

After the grocery store, we walked next door to see if they had a few items including invalid pillows and neosporin that I figured I would buy here after noticing that my regular tube was getting a little low. Amber also picked up a pillow as well, even though we have the red blow up ring that has been passed down from fellow Meltzer patients. Surprisingly, as we approached checkout (both of us with invalid pillows), we both noticed, ironically, that the cashier was T. She looked mid-20’s and like she was full time...but may have still been working as a guy. She had long hair, definite breast growth, wore women’s tights, and had no facial hair. Amber and I didn’t mention anything until we were both outside.

At the Paula Poundstone comedy event, she asked one of the women in the front row what she did. She said she was the financial officer for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender students at ASU. Very cool. Paula didn’t play on any of the subcategories, but had fun with trans stuff...like TransAtlantic, etc. She also didn't understand why everyone had such a big problem with gay marriage, and, of course, poked a little fun at the conservative right. She even had a little fun with being an athiest...about how people are always trying to convert her, but you never see it the opposite way: "Hey, Father...we need to talk about this crazy religion of yours."

Letting go

I thought I dealt with this when I initially started transition...when I went full time...when I had facial surgery, but now I realize I still haven't gotten over all of it. Being T isn't easy. It's hard accepting who you are and what you need to do in order to be...simply in order to be. It's hard giving up that "normal life", of ditching the dream of a wife, 2.3 kids, a dog, and a house in the burbs. Some will say it's not all it's cracked up to be, but all of my friends with kids say they would give anything for their kids....that they would do it all over again exactly the same.

Either way, this is that last little reminder that I'll never have that. Sure, if I really wanted to, I could come close with adoption or a surrogate mother, but the odds are quite against that. And it is nice having family as we age in this complex world of ours. As we grow older, married people are dominated by their children's lives and single people fall thru the cracks.

So, now, here I am.....letting go of that last little inhibition. I gave up the family...the possibility of having a family...long ago. Now it's just finally prying my hands off the cut rope.

Taxes

I finally finished my taxes tonite. I had been waiting to hear how I needed to include my short term disability payments from last year, but I was told today that they are tax free since I've already been taxed on them. I'm definitely in a happy mood. With the Dr. O FFS deduction, as well as a variety of others including electrolysis and the Dr. Meltzer initial stuff, federal and state refunds will come out just shy of paying off SRS. Unfortunately, I'll probably leave a lot of it on my credit card and save some in my bank account to pay for labiaplasty later this year. My current bank account has been getting pretty low over the past few months with travel, the hairline advancement, Christmas, and electrolysis. The tax refund will definitely be nice to have in the ol' bank account. Let's just hope I don't get hit with an audit...although I have nothing to hide, nor did I cheat on my return at all. It just wouldn't be any fun having to deal with justifying FFS and electrolysis to the IRS.

Happy V-Day

Tonite was our last performance of the Vagina Monologues for the V-Day activities at UC-Berkeley. The cast, all college women except for the three transgender people, were incredible. I saw three professional actresses perform the Vagina Monologues last year in Napa, and although they did a wonderful job, these college women simply blew them away. They were much more passionate and full of energy...something the paid actresses didn't have. I was simply amazed with the quality of performances...even though some of them didn't even have any stage experience.

They all conveyed such emotion in each of their spots...from the Russian woman who was violated by soldiers, to the teacher who instructed us on how to say the word 'cunt', to the dominatrix who showed us the variety of moans (the Berkeley and Stanford moans were great), to the Angry Vagina, to the child who'd have her vagina wear a Met's cap...backwards, to finding out what our vaginas smell like, what they would wear, and how they have children...as well as the other numerous monologues I'm leaving out.

The three transgender monologues, written and performed by Lynnee Breedlove, Sherilyn Connelly, and myself covered a variety of items. Lynnee talked about being a non-op, non-hormone man with a vagina...living outside the box. He definitely had a lot of funny moments which tonite, included a joke about the Penis Monologues. Sherilyn talked about wanting a flat stomach and dealing with life as a woman with a penis. I wrapped up the T monologues with my piece entitled 11/10/8 Days...depending on what night it was. Basically, it was my own little countdown to Happy New Vagina Day. Today, though, I celebrated Valentine's Day...one year full time. So, Happy V-Day on two fronts.


Me, Sherilyn, and Lynnee

PS...here's my monologue from tonite:

"8 Days"

I have eight days to go. Eight days. Most women don't have to wait, they just have one.

When I was a child, I was confused. I was just a kid but, yet, what I saw wasn't supposed to be there. I thought, "Nothing's supposed to be there," but it wasn't nothing, it was something.

When I was naked in the locker room, I felt different. Secluded. Alone. Why was I different? Why was I like this? Why was I the only one that had this…"problem"? Did anyone else feel like me?

I hid my pain. Behind corners, I'd cry. Only showing forth what others wanted to see, wanted to hear…wanted. I gave them what they wanted.

Sometimes I pushed the boundary, though. I'd apply my sister's makeup. I'd play house with her on occasion. In 6th grade, I jumped rope with the girls. Double-dutch.

Growing up, I learned to be a man. Sometimes it was easy, sometimes it wasn't, and sometimes it was just utterly chaotic. Guys like girls, and I went along with that plan...without resistance. Girls are nice...but things just didn't quite seem right.

8 days. A week from tomorrow.

I was in an Irish pub in Texas with friends last year. Yes, Texas. An old Irishman was at his piano talking to the audience, singing dirty songs, and telling bad jokes. He asked a pair of women where they were from. "Pasadena." "Texas or California?" "Texas." But he talked about California…then San Francisco. "The women wear their skirts so short in San Francisco you can see their balls." He continued to sing his dirty songs and tell his bad jokes. He saw me standing with my friends a few feet from his piano, and asked, "Where ya from?" I grinned, took a step closer, leaned in and said, "S a n F r a n c i s c o". I caught him off guard. "San Francisco…uh oh, I'm in trouble now. It's ok though, she's a girl," he told the audience. I feared telling them my past, my path, my journey.

He called me a girl. Am I a girl? When I was 10, I was asked, "Are you a boy or a girl." I responded, "What do you think?" He looked at me and said, "Boy," but he seemed disappointed. So was I. Am I a girl?

Eight days. Most women don't have to wait….they just have one. Their chromosomes said to make one. Mine didn't. Something happened up here….or didn't happen….disparity, discomfort, discontentment, disgrace, dysphoria, discovery, dismemberment.

My chromosomes had instructions to make a penis…independently, though, my mind developed female. Can you imagine the conflict?

So, now I stand here, 8 days from having all of that fixed. They'll cut, remove a bit here and a little there, move things around, cut a little more, pull a little here and there, invert it, sew it all back together and wrap it all up like a great big shiny birthday present. My own special birthday present.

Eight days to go. But then I have to wait another 6 days to open my present. Whew, and initially that baby is going to look ugly. Damn ugly. You've never seen one as ugly as mine is going to be. And the smell? OMG…during recovery, you'll never believe how bad it's going to smell. Bad! Oh, and then in order to maintain its shape and prevent it from collapsing in on itself, I have to shove a plastic rod up my vagina in order to dilate - and dilate - and dilate - and dilate - and dilate - and dilate…and, oh, you probably get the point.

And, then…well, I guess I don't have to wait anymore. After I heal, I'll just be…me. I won't have to hid behind corners. I won't have to hold back my tears. I won't have to feel different. I won't have to be someone I'm not. No more Irishman. No more dysphoria. No more penis. And my vagina will look pretty. Very pretty. And it will smell....well, let's just say that it will smell a whole lot better than it did during recovery.

8 days. It's already been a lifetime of waiting. 8 days more. I still have a lifetime to live. 8 days.

8 days too long.

Where did my boobs go?

After a late afternoon run, I decided to take a nice shower this evening. As I was washing up, I noticed that my boobs are smaller...at least 25% smaller. That sucks. I barely have any boobage anyway, and here it is disappearing while I'm off the hormones before surgery. It's almost 2 weeks down, with still over another week to go.

OK, so how do I tell the rest of this without getting totally gross. Hmmm...so, Junior has basically always been able to rise to the occasion when sufficiently aroused. Now it seems like it is about 25% bigger and gets all excited anytime I have to touch it for anything....ANYTHING. It hasn't been able to "spit" at all for quite some time. So, now that I have been off the hormones for two weeks, Junior seems to be regaining more abilities...including the ability to spit again. Two weeks. Damn, I was really hoping to avoid this. Hopefully I don't start sprouting chest hairs again.start sprouting chest hairs again.

Tired

Going back to Sunday morning, I've basically had about 21 hours of sleep. That's 110 hours and I've only slept 21 of them. The Vagina Monologues practice has really kept me busy....that, plus flying out of Oakland Monday morning for a day trip to San Diego. You'd think a 6:40am flight out of Oakland wouldn't be that packed, but the airport was a huge mess. I guess everyone was doing their weekly commute or just starting the work week off early.

So, every night this week, I've basically spent an hour each way making my way over to Berkeley. We had an open rehearsal tonite, so basically we performed in front of a smaller audience, but still in front of an audience. It was basically an opening show. I only messed up slightly at one point early on in my piece, but as another cast mate said, no one probably noticed. Another cast mate told me later that she counted the 'dilates' tonite....19. I jokingly told her I'd have triple digits tomorrow. I'll post my monologue after next Monday's final performance.

It has still been hard memorizing my monologue since I just wrote it last week. I've got it pretty much memorized, and can perform it pretty decent, but the hard part is throwing in that added little extra to make it really nice. I don't have that yet, and if I try to do it, I'm afraid that I'll mess up the rest of it. As I get more comfortable performing it, though, I'll hopefully add in a little.

But, yeah, I'm tired. And when I get home at night, I need a little time to just wind down....which usually pushes me to 1 or 2am on getting to sleep. I plan on sleeping in Saturday morning. When I do get home at night, though, I've been reading a friend's SRS journal. She had her surgery last week and I've been following her recovery. It's nice to read it and get another positive experience so close to my own surgery.

When I mentioned how busy I have been to Amber the other day, we both kinda mentioned that this has kept me distracted, and prevented me from worrying about the upcoming surgery. It does to a degree, but I think it has also helped me to look back at things a little. On my drives to and fro, when I'm not practicing my lines, I'm definitely doing a lot of thinking...and reminiscing about life before I addressed a lot of the T stuff. Life was miserable. I simply was not me. I was uncomfortable with who I was, but was comfortable enough to let people see what they wanted to see. I feel so much better as me now. Let me just say again...surgery sucks, but it's currently the only option with moving on with life.

Ironicarma

K, I'm not saying Good or Bad Karma anymore. Yesterday was just too weird with the whole posting of the '2' stuff and then getting rear ended last night.

So, it's all just coincidental or ironic, or whatever....from now on.

Last week, I noticed that 3 Doors Down will be playing Phoenix the weekend Amber and I arrive. So, after prodding Amber to go, I now have two tickets for their show. I like a lot of their songs that have been on the radio, and picked up two of their CD's this past weekend. After looking at their site yesterday, I found that they were releasing a new CD...thus the tour. The CD came out yesterday and is entitled '17 Days'. Guess how long I will be in Scottsdale/Phoenix? Yup, 17 days.

I listened to the other CD's earlier this week, and the third one today...although very quietly at work. I'll probably have to listen to it again sometime at home. From what I heard today, though, nothing really stood out. :\ In fact, a lot of their songs on the first two CD's that didn't end up on the radio are just a little too hard for me. I guess I'll just hope they play most of the radio songs and not the other ones.

OK, so, some other things that I have noticed about my surgeries....they've all fallen around holidays of some sort. I went full time on Valentine's Day last year, then had FFS two days after President's Day, went with Amber on her SRS which was 2 days after the Fourth of July, had the hairline revision the day after Veteran's Day, and will have SRS the day after President's Day. My scheduled labiaplasty is also the day after a holiday...of sorts, I guess. Weird stuff.

Bad CAR-ma

On my way to the Vagina Monologue's practice tonite, I was rear ended. I was turning right at an intersection behind a few cars when one of the ones ahead suddenly stopped when they noticed people in the cross walk. I was able to brake in time, but I worried about someone behind me smashing into me. I saw the car rapidly approaching.....WHAM!!!!!!!! Dammit! Sure enough, I was hit. And pretty hard I must say. I tried to put my car into park, but my garage door opener had been dislodged from it's normal place and ended up in front of my shifter. I moved it back to its normal location, and also noticed the passenger sun visor was disproportionally forward due to the jolt. I opened my door when I made sure the traffic was clear and asked, "Are you ok?" to the man standing outside his car. He was.

We looked over the damage to our cars. His looked like it was leaking fluid from under the engine...but he said it had been leaking for a while. Mine had a lot of scuff marks, and cracked paint all over the plastic section of my car that's supposed to be a bumper. Damn. Luckily, though, there appeared to be no structural damage.

We pulled into the Jiffy Lube-type place right at the corner and traded information. He was just a kid, and the insurance card he handed me belonged to someone else. I guess I was fortunate that he stopped, though. So, now I have to call up my insurance company and deal with all of that crap again...sorta like last year when my mom had a little accident with my car. It's all sorta deja vu.

This is the second time in my life when I have been rear ended. Both times have definitely shaken me up. It all makes me realize just how fragile we are...how close we are to death. It could all end just like that.

2 weeks

Two's. It's all about the 2's. TUES-day, 2/22, 2nd surgery of the day. Sounds like good KARmA to me.

I feel dirty

I went to another electrologist today. My usual one is out of town...running around in Asia somewhere. Since she won’t be back before I have SRS, and since I’ve noticed a few hairs pop up here and there on ol’ Junior, I decided to get them cleaned up by someone else. I’ve been to this other electro before, two and a half years ago, to get some hairs zapped after I had laser on my chest. She actually remembered me when I called her yesterday to schedule the appointment. When I showed up today she was amazed at how far I had come.

Like before, I allowed her to use blend - thermolysis and galvanic. The hard part is that I recently left my Emla and pain meds at my main electro and forgot to re-obtain them before this session. Luckily, the settings weren’t that high, and I was able to make it thru OK. I had her get every one of those little buggers that I could see. Every one. Even the small tiny gray ones that you can’t see unless you have a black background and enough light in order to catch the contrast. I would pull the skin up and look at the edge of it against the far wall to see where the hairs were. We did that about a dozen times in order to get them all. Hopefully the ones that do return can be zapped by Dr. Meltzer during SRS....the rest, I hope, will be small enough to never cause me any problems.

Terminology

As I chatted with this other electrologist, we talked about the demographics of her business. She said about 40% of her business were men, 5% tranny, and the rest were women.

I usually just say ‘T’ for anyone that is transgender, especially transsexual men and women. After I’d said it a few times, she said she kinda liked that better than ‘tranny’. I then had to explain to her that the word tranny was similar to the word ‘nigga/nigger’. It was ok for a transgender person to say it, but some people feel that it is derogatory if someone that is not transgender (or lesbian/gay/bi) says it. I don’t see a problem with ‘tranny’, but since my non-T friends hear my own verbiage, then tend to use ‘T’ as well. I’d hate to get them stuck on something that will cause them trouble later on.

I’ve also IM’d here and there with a few TS friends lately...especially if they know I am having SRS soon. They ask me if I am nervous, excited, anxious, etc. Yes. I am. During some of the conversations, I’ve used some of the terms I have used over the years: Junior and the boys. I think it’s kinda obvious what those represent. People laugh when they hear me use that reference. I told one person recently that I should come up with a new name for after SRS. Hmmm....Muffy?

good KARmA

Today is February 2 - Groundhog Day. He saw his shadow. I didn’t even look for mine...I saw winter last week. I don’t need anymore.

My surgery is on Tuesday (Two’s - day), February 22nd, 2/22. I’m the 2nd surgery that day. The woman before me that morning has the same two pair of initials.

I’m not one to believe in the whole number mumbo-jumbo, or fate/destiny stuff. Sure, some factors do control our destiny, but we still control what we do with most of our lives. When I saw the 22 thing when they scheduled me, I really warmed up to that date.

But, yeah, I kinda like the 2 thing...it’s good karma. I was born on the 22nd...just not February.

I'm melting...melting...

I stopped hormones today. I’m still taking spiro, but Dr. Meltzer advises discontinuing the estrogen 3 weeks before surgery. So, no more Premarin...for a while. And in the future, I won’t be taking Premarin anymore anyway. My healthcare provider called with a message tonite that they are switching me over to Estradiol/Estrace instead of Premarin. A lot of people think it’s really bad to be taking horse estrogens, which might be right, but there really hasn’t been many studies on the HRT programs for transsexuals. Most oral estrogens work about the same, and as long as you’re smart with your prescriptions, there typically aren’t any problems. That means limited drinking, no smoking, and staying in shape.

Since stopping the hormones, though, I don’t feel any different, and probably won’t for some time since it takes quite a while to remove the estrogen from the system. It will hopefully be a slow decrease, but it could be similar to menopause.

I warned my boss last week that I had to stop the hormones this week, just to give him warning in case I start acting any more unusual than normal. “If I get out of hand, just yell, ‘Kara, stop it! It’s the hormones, remember?’ “ I told him.

It’s kinda funny, on my way to the Vagina Monologue’s meeting two nights ago, I was getting really irrate with all of the slow ass Sunday drivers. I laughed, thinking, “If I’m this pissy and moody with hormones, what am I going to be without them?” Actually, though, I’ve always been rather moody around bad and slow drivers. If you see me on the road, just pull to the side.